I really need to be more consistent with this blog. There is so much going on in my life and I think if I just do this daily, shit weekly, I would feel better. I can only vent so much to my friends with out them thinking I need psychiatric help. Is it odd that I find it easier to vent to strangers? Anyway, I am pretty sure most of you know what road I am about to go down. AFJF road. Which I really think I need to give him a new nickname. Ass Fuck Jerk Face just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I’ll ponder on that while I tell you all what has been going on.
I don’t know why I ever think it is okay to be FWB with a guy. It always leads to heartbreak for me. Which is another road I am going to go down. Let’s go down FWB first, then we will make a sharp right to AFJF road. I hope none of you get car sick, because I am pretty sure this will be a bumpy ass ride. I get car sick….maybe I need to go take a dramamine.
So it had been about six or seven months since I had a friend with benefits. October was an odd month for me and I was really craving male attention, so I contacted someone that I knew from my past. Someone that whenever we were together, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. So it’s kinda funny who it is. It is Mama’s Boy’s best friend HAHAHAHAHA. I legit cannot with myself. Whatever, he’s nice, sexy and tall af. And NOT a mama’s boy 🙂 Let’s call him NAFB… not a fuck boy. So we’ve been FWB for a good while now, and it’s bothering me. Of course I caught feelings. You should all know by now that’s how I operate. And I can’t figure out why I keep catching feelings. There is no way in hell I actually have feelings for all these FWB. But how can sex with someone not cause feelings? Sex is one of the most intimate things on this earth. I understand one night stands happen, which is completely different. If you keep having sex with the same person over and over for months, what does that mean? I guess I thought I could get a man to actually want a relationship with me if I slept with him for months with no title. WHAT THE FUCK kind of thinking is that? So the more I think about NAFB, the more I find myself not having feelings. I now know that I have to separate sex and feelings and I am trying to do just that.
So let’s take that right to AFJF Road. I keep denying the fact that I still love him and I keep trying to prove to myself that I am over him by sleeping with these men I have no real interest in. I try to say I have feelings for another guy, when in reality, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about AFJF. God, can we get a new name for him now? Give me a sec…hmmmmm…ummmmmm…let’s see……..you know what, I am about to go against everything I stand for in this blog, but I am going to call him by his real name. John. Fucking John. I have to come to terms with typing his name. I really wish I could pin point why I love him so much and why I think he’s the one for me. It makes me even more sad that I can’t. Why am I stuck on this guy who broke my heart? On someone who never had true intentions? I seriously don’t know. All I know is my heart breaks more and more every day, causing me so much emotional and physical pain. This pain is what brings me to force things with my FWB.
I honestly just want someone to love me like I THOUGHT John loved me so I can move on. In the back of my mind I know that’s not how shit works. I feel so lost in that part of my life. I’m 28 going on 29 and had nothing but a bad experience of fucked up relationships. Am I fine being single? Yes. One, because I know I can take care of myself, and two, because it is what’s best for my emotional state right now. It will be almost two years that things ended with John. How am I not anywhere near over this heartbreak? All I can keep hearing in my mind right now is that song “Whiskey Lullaby” by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss. So fucking pathetic.
So, I’m not really sure what I am doing with my life right now. Should I end things with the FWB? Should I keep letting John wreck my emotional state? Should I seek professional help? Should I refill my Xanax rx? Should I go take a shower and wash my hair since I haven’t in three days? I don’t know, and I’m not sure I ever will know…except about that shower. That is an obvious fucking yes.
Oh my heavenly Jesus. Next post I will tell you about the train wreck that is Romeo and I. Mother of God…