I NEED A TALL DRINK OF WATER…OR TEQUILA

I have been pretty MIA and I am not really sure why. This is a great outlet for me to vent considering I haven’t seen my therapist in 9 months. Yep! I started seeing a therapist. After my last post I was very suicidal and destructive. I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. Things were going great with that for a while quite honestly. I got a new job in September so that had put a halt on my sessions. It’s really hard not to go back to that dark place whenever Im just so unhappy. Tonight isn’t a good night for me so I decided to open up the old MacBook Pro and see what could come of this.

Let’s backtrack to November so you can understand why I am where I am now.

So mid November a guy that I knew messaged me on Facebook. This was a guy I actually didn’t like because whenever I was with Robocop, he was being shady and trying to get with me. It was just disrespectful. I liked the attention though. Cannot lie about that. Anyway, he asked if he could take me to dinner soon. I was like wow. Someone is asking me on an actual DATE? I haven’t been on a date since December 2018! I was ecstatic. I agreed with a quickness. I gave him my number so we could discuss further. So again, this guy has been telling me for over 10 years I was his dream girl, blah blah. It was the night of Thanksgiving and we still hadn’t gone on an official date, but ended up at the bar together. I ended up giving him amazing head because I cannot contain myself when it comes to that. Literally the next day he is messaging other females. LAWD. Here we go. So we discussed how that made me felt, and that if he wanted to me with me and work on this, he had to stop his shady ways. Well for a good two weeks, he was at my house. Slept over every night. A week or so before Christmas he started acting shady again. He was tagging random females in his Facebook posts, not talking to me at all throughout the day, not coming over. So I told him to come get his shit and leave and that I am not dealing with that. So that is what he did. A few weeks go by and he tells me that he never deserved me and that I was too good for him. At this point sir, you are correct. There were more things that happened in this situation, but just know he was toxic and I didn’t deserve that nonsense.

Let’s backtrack again to October. So I had tinder at this point and this guy who we will call TaDOW—Tall Drink of Water–HAHA. The man is like 6’2. Anyway, TaDOW would randomly send dick pics on snapchat…unwarranted! I repeatedly asked him to stop and he finally did. Something in my should just kept me from blocking him. I swear, from October until March, he would snap me every day asking for selfies and asking to date. He was obviously being a smarts but it worked for him. SOOOO, in March I finally gave him my number. I was drunk so I could blame it on that if we didn’t converse well. We hit it off great so again, my little hopes got up. SO PERKY. We talked from March 14th until beginning of May without meeting. It was such a non pressure situation. Until he came home this past Thursday and wanted me to come over. My heart sank into my ass. Now I have to be me. There is no escaping the awkwardness that is Vanessa when she meets someone she likes. It is fucking embarrassing. I left work, came home to bathe and shave my legs. Didn’t have to worry about shaving my kitty because I had literally just started my period that morning. So penetration was happening that night. So I start my 1 hour and 20 minute trek to his house. NERVOUS AS FUCK. What if he doesn’t like me? What if I am too fat for him? What if my breath is horrid? What if I’m to ghetto for him? I pull into his neighborhood and immediately feel even worse. THIS IS A CLASSY ASS HOOD! My Camry didn’t belong. So I finally make it into his driveway and he tells me he is coming. He had to get dressed because he just got out the shower. Umm sir? You had over an hour to do this, but okay. He walks out and my heart stops. This man is fucking beautiful. No picture could’ve ever prepared me for what was standing in front of me. I just sat there mesmerized and he gave me a look like “are you coming or not?”. I had him help me with my overnight bag, because I am psychotic and pack for 3 nights when I’m only spending one night. Walk into his house and I just feel, not like myself. I felt self conscious. I felt not good enough. I felt like I needed to go home to my little house and get under the covers and cry. I don’t know if he could sense that, but he asked if I wanted a beer and I nearly yanked his hand off to get it.

After watching a rather boring movie and a few great kisses later, we made our way to his room. There, I took my clothes off that I had on and slipped into some undies and a t shirt to get comfortable. He likes my ass so I made to sure to bring underwear that accentuated that. I start rubbing his back for him because he previously worked 31 days in a row offshore. He deserved it. He appreciated it. We laid for a bit then I moved my hand to his dick. My vagina might not work, but my mouth does. So I started going down on him. I have a sense that he likes to be the dominate in bed and that is fine sometimes. I can roll with it. When he kept forcing my head down to lick his taint, I did because that is actually one of my favorite things to do. He has a nice size package. No complaints in that department really. And he keeps is shaved. AMEN. So he ends up coming, and naturally I swallow it. I go brush my teeth because I know some men can be weird about kissing a woman after that. No lie, after all that went down, it was like a shift.

He faced the end of the bed, so I just rubbed his back. He fell asleep that way. Now, in all our texts while he was working he stated how bad he wants to sleep next to me and cuddle. There was ZERO cuddling that night. And I didn’t sleep. A WINK. Every negative thought went through my head. Does he not like what he sees? Am I ugly? Is he just too tired? This is only his second night in his bed after 31 days. Am I too fat? This went on until four am. I managed to get an hour or so of sleep. I finally woke up and there he was. Still on the other side of the bed. I wanted to be in his nook where I was at night for like five seconds while watching a movie. We had meshed so perfectly. So I went to curl up next to him but he had made what seemed like a fortress with the blanket. ALRIGHT THEN. He finally wakes up and just puts his arm across my chest. So naturally I started scratching it with my nails. That is just engrained in me at this point in my life. See a free arm, scratch it. Anyway, he then grabs me and starts spooning for like 2 minutes. He then tells me he has to go get his son. I didn’t plan on staying there that long because I had to come home to let my dog out, but damn. Was he kicking me out? I literally got ready in 2 minutes. That includes brushing my teeth and braiding my hair.

So I get all my stuff together and he is still in bed. Im waiting for him to walk me out but he isn’t moving. So I got the hint. I asked I’m if I could see him again before he goes back to work and he said definitely. Okay?! Did he fucking mean that?? The signals here were so crossed me for I know my face had to look fucked up. So I let myself out…which saddened me. He didn’t thank me for coming, he didn’t thank me for driving over an hour to see him, he didn’t even talk me to the door. He gave me a half ass hug from the bed and a kiss. I got in my old car and left. The whole drive home I was quiet. So many bullshit thoughts in my head.

Looking at my phone hoping for a text. Nothing. I finally get him and let him know I made it. Still nothing. I decided to take a nap since I didn’t get any sleep. I slept from 10am until 4pm. Still nothing. I chalked it up to him being with his son. I can be understanding! So the next day I still hadn’t heard from him. I decided to just tell him to have a great day. He responded and it was a short conversation. Didn’t help my nerves on the situation at all. Today I talked to him briefly. So this is where I am. A MESS. A disgusting mess.

All I can think of, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I find someone that likes me? Why am I not good enough? If he isn’t in to me he needs to tell me and not just ignore me or make me feel like an ass. I did express that to him in the beginning of all this. I will respect the fuck out of someone for being honest!

But today I sent him a pic and told him I don’t always look raggedy (which I did look a little rough meeting him) and that I probably didn’t make a great first impression because I was nervous because I liked him a lot. His response was “you’re cute”.

That wasn’t what I was looking for. At this point, I can’t say I don’t know what I am looking for because I do.

I want someone that believes in love as hard as I do. I want someone that wants to be romantic with me and never stop. I want someone to look at me every day and realize what they have. I want to be able to trust my man when we aren’t together. I want to feel wanted. I want someone to randomly surprise me with flowers or candy just because.

I never had those things. I truly believe they do exist. Romance isn’t dead. Love isn’t dead. Maybe just my effort into finding these things has died. I don’t want to settle, but I also don’t want to be alone. The older I get, the more I realize I want someone in my life. I look at my family and realize how happy they all are, and I’m just the fifth wheel. It’s tough to be single when you are 30+.

I will never force a relationship, but FUCK!!! I am so sick of being let down and heart broken. I don’t go out looking for these people. They find me. They wear me down until I finally fall, and we all know I fucking fall hard, then just leave me hanging.

So right now, I have no idea what is going on with me and this guy. The more I think about him the more I like him. He is good on paper. Tall, in shape, great job, an older son, no baby mama drama, a nice house, crazy FUNNY, easy going, laughs at my corny jokes, would always tell me I am beautiful. But I haven’t gotten any of that since we met. Am I looking to much into this? Is he truly spending all that time with his son he can’t pick up the phone to tell me he is thinking of me? Is he not wanting selfies (that he constantly asked for) because he doesn’t have time to ask? My answer to all of these is NO and it is heartbreaking. I haven’t lashed out on him because he doesn’t deserve that, but I am literally over here pulling my hair out. WHAT ARE WE DOING?! I don’t have time for these games.

I have wasted so much of my time on men, I don’t want to do it anymore. I CAN’T do it anymore. I am mentally, physically, emotionally drained. If this doesn’t work out I vow that I am not dating or entertaining a man until the year 2021.

I am going to give this guy a little more time before I decided to right him off, but I just know in my heart that he has probably already done that.

 

XO Vanessa

Standard

SUCKERS, THIS ONE’S FOR YOU

I am one of those suckers. For those of us who still believe in love, I pray for us all. So I’ve been MIA again. Depression can be a cunt. So around Christmas time I met a guy we will call Mr. Electric since he is an electrician. We clicked right away. He would snap, text, call me a lot. I thought we had something going. He even admitted his feelings in a text. So on the night I finally decide to have sex with him, I got my heart broken. First off, I did it against my better judgment, but he was so attractive I didn’t care. Second, I should’ve followed that judgment because his tool was smaller than my pinky. He lasted maybe four seconds, and that is me being lenient. Third, whenever I started talking about feelings, he shut down and basically told me to leave. WOW! If that doesn’t send someone into a depression, I don’t know what will. Bad sex and rejection…excuse me while I go fix a fucking drink to drown my sorrows in.

So, let’s talk about depression. For some reason, this got me to spiral bad. I didn’t want to live. I was sick of rejection, I was sick of caring about people. That night I took a shower in the dark and cried myself to sleep. The next time I took a variety of pills and went out to drink (which in no way do I condone. I know what I did was reckless.) I had to go to my sister’s house to give her my gun, because that is how tired I was of living. I’m doing better since I started therapy last week, but I still have my moments, like tonight.

This is where I segue into the other guy with the same exact real name as Mr. Electrician. We will call him Daddy Warbucks (Daddy for short because I am not typing all that shit out) because he is bald, has money, and is intimidating. I’ve known him on social media for over four years due to tinder. UGH. Anyway, we finally decided to meet. We met a few days after Christmas. I met him in a city in the middle of where we both live. When I tell you it was an amazing night, I am not lying. After my nerves settled, I realized what a gentleman this guy was. There was never a dull moment during our date, which was at the finest restaurant, with the finest food and wine. We ended up going back to his hotel room and just slept. He woke me up with oral. I guess he was hungry. He didn’t expect anything in return which was refreshing since I had bad cotton mouth. He just help me all night and morning in his big ass arms. It was great. The next day he told me we should do it again. I agreed. Guess who didn’t do it again?

Tonight we were supposed to go out, but I go stood up and I have a feeling I know why. Saturday I asked him what we were doing so I know how invested to get and I expressed that eventually I want a long term relationship. I am almost 30. I want to settle down. I want to share my life with someone. Obviously that freaked him out. I haven’t heard from him since. I am literally so tired and sick of men acting like children. Just tell me the truth, whatever it may be. I can handle that better than I can someone ignoring me. All evening I have been feeling so worthless. Why should I feel that way when I know what I have to offer? Why don’t these men feel worthless for treating someone like me with little to no respect?

I don’t go out looking for these men. They find me. They approach me. They ask me out. When shit gets real they run. If you have no intentions of being in someone’s life, don’t fucking start something with them. Don’t treat them like they matter only to fuck them over a few weeks later.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in with everyone and say I am doing lots better with my depression and maybe love is only for a select few in the world. I am certain I am not one of those few. My biggest fear is ending up like Miranda Hobbes in that episode of SATC where she chokes and she is all alone because she chooses not to be in a relationship. What if I choke and no one is there to save me? There’s only a certain number of times I can save myself…

 

XO Vanessa

Standard

YOU SCREAM, I SCREAM, AND BASICALLY I JUST SCREAM SOME MORE

Here I am at 1:45 am binge watching “Sex and the City” again on my basic cable. Today was a shitty one for me, hence why I am up watching episodes I’ve seen 588873 times while scarfing down Halo Top red velvet ice-cream (which HIGHLY recommend).

Things started to get worse at 5 pm when I turned it to WE channel and “The Notebook” was starting.  I used to be able to get to the part where Noah tells Allie “…it wasn’t over. It still isn’t over!” before I start losing all control of my emotions. I don’t think I made it three minutes in this time. The feelings I have been trying to bury just came out like vomit and wouldn’t fucking stop. So, since then I have been in a state of numbness with moments of physical pain.  Depression sounds like a blast, doesn’t it?

This year will make three years that AFJF came back into my life. Three years already. Yes, he is back to AFJF, because his real name makes me want to claw my own eyes out and chop my ears off. I haven’ talked to him since the night before the Christmas party and I know I should be super thankful for that. But, we all know I am not normal so of course I hope to look at my phone and see that he texted me. Sickening. I know there is a saying that goes something like “time heals all wounds”, but I feel like time is only opening the wound even more. I really don’t feel like ruining what is left of my night/morning, so I will just have to put him in the back of my mind.

I have been casually seeing someone. No sex yet. Just innocent dates and kisses. I have no complaints. I can’t find one thing wrong with him. It is all me. I am too wounded to move on right now. I told this guy about my issues. Well, not the full extent of it. I don’t even have a nickname for him yet, because it just doesn’t seem worth it to me anymore. All I am going to do is push him away like I do to every other non fucked up male and go find some emotionally unavailable fuck boy to fuck.

Speaking of, I haven’t had sex since beginning of December and it is starting to get on my fucking nerves. I really just miss the old Vanessa. I am hoping the bad bitch, sex freak I know will make an appearance soon.

Now that I am finished with my red velvet, I think I might move on to chocolate covered banana. All puns intended with that one. But for real, I can’t wait to try that flavor.

XO Vanessa

Standard

JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY…TO HELL

So I am sitting here debating throwing my phone into the swamp. I am not fucking kidding. John messaged me. WHY? To torment me? I do not understand his thought process. He is seriously the biggest jerk I have ever encountered in my life. He is making me physically sick. I knew it was a big mistake to contact him for his birthday. He is one of those that deflects all his shit onto someone else. Can’t take responsibility. It is like talking to a child; a big fucking man child. I really don’t think I could live with myself if I ever treated anyone the way he does me. I have a tough time turning someone down for a date; I couldn’t imagine fucking with someone’s head. He just keeps going on and on like the hurtful things he say will make me laugh. I am so sorry I don’t find fucking with my life funny. I wonder if he realizes he caused most of my insecurities, the main one being that I am not good enough for anyone. My self esteem is shot. I cry every night. I feel ugly. All because of him. Pathetic, right?

Anyway…

I am definitely realizing I do not like NAMB more than just a friend/fuck. He really is one of my best friends though. Not sure where I would be without him. He is slowly building my confidence back. VERY SLOWLY. We had a great discussion about what our boundaries are and it is no refreshing to have someone to fuck that actually communicates.

Now on to Romeo. Y’all. I legit fucking can’t deal with him. Over the summer he asks me to be his girlfriend, then acted like he never asked. So we had a long talk one night about OUR boundaries, because I went off on him and he didn’t like it. So we decided to be best friends forever. Great, right? Yea, thats what I thought too. So I decided to invite him to our company Christmas party because he is always fun. The party is tomorrow and I am now dateless because I uninvited him 🙂

I am all for us being friends, but if he is going to whore around, I don’t want to be caught up in it and have people think we are fucking. Nah. Plus I am salty as fuck that he brought some old hag to a Christmas party instead of me. The party was actually at a friend’s sister’s house. Someone that I know well. So why not invite me?! The only reason I found out about it is because some of my girlfriends were at a bar one night that he was at with his hag. She was all over him. I am not going to be associated with that.

I am just so lost as to why he didn’t invite me to the party. Not long before that he was telling me how much fun he has with me, I get along with everyone, blah blah. So why sleep on me? About to put him in the category with John since he is making me feel like there is something wrong with me.

I am just going to leave it at that for the night. I am tired…mentally and physically.

 

XO Vanessa

Standard

WHISKEY, XANAX, AND SHAMPOO

I really need to be more consistent with this blog. There is so much going on in my life and I think if I just do this daily, shit weekly, I would feel better. I can only vent so much to my friends with out them thinking I need psychiatric help. Is it odd that I find it easier to vent to strangers? Anyway, I am pretty sure most of you know what road I am about to go down. AFJF road. Which I really think I need to give him a new nickname. Ass Fuck Jerk Face just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I’ll ponder on that while I tell you all what has been going on.

I don’t know why I ever think it is okay to be FWB with a guy. It always leads to heartbreak for me. Which is another road I am going to go down. Let’s go down FWB first, then we will make a sharp right to AFJF road. I hope none of you get car sick, because I am pretty sure this will be a bumpy ass ride. I get car sick….maybe I need to go take a dramamine.

So it had been about six or seven months since I had a friend with benefits. October was an odd month for me and I was really craving male attention, so I contacted someone that I knew from my past. Someone that whenever we were together, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. So it’s kinda funny who it is. It is Mama’s Boy’s best friend HAHAHAHAHA. I legit cannot with myself. Whatever, he’s nice, sexy and tall af. And NOT a mama’s boy 🙂 Let’s call him NAFB… not a fuck boy. So we’ve been FWB for a good while now, and it’s bothering me. Of course I caught feelings. You should all know by now that’s how I operate. And I can’t figure out why I keep catching feelings. There is no way in hell I actually have feelings for all these FWB.  But how can sex with someone not cause feelings? Sex is one of the most intimate things on this earth. I understand one night stands happen, which is completely different. If you keep having sex with the same person over and over for months, what does that mean? I guess I thought I could get a man to actually want a relationship with me if I slept with him for months with no title. WHAT THE FUCK kind of thinking is that? So the more I think about NAFB, the more I find myself not having feelings. I now know that I have to separate sex and feelings and I am trying to do just that.

So let’s take that right to AFJF Road. I keep denying the fact that I still love him and I keep trying to prove to myself that I am over him by sleeping with these men I have no real interest in. I try to say I have feelings for another guy, when in reality, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about AFJF. God, can we get a new name for him now? Give me a sec…hmmmmm…ummmmmm…let’s see……..you know what, I am about to go against everything I stand for in this blog, but I am going to call him by his real name. John. Fucking John. I have to come to terms with typing his name. I really wish I could pin point why I love him so much and why I think he’s the one for me. It makes me even more sad that I can’t. Why am I stuck on this guy who broke my heart? On someone who never had true intentions? I seriously don’t know. All I know is my heart breaks more and more every day, causing me so much emotional and physical pain. This pain is what brings me to force things with my FWB.

I honestly just want someone to love me like I THOUGHT John loved me so I can move on. In the back of my mind I know that’s not how shit works. I feel so lost in that part of my life. I’m 28 going on 29 and had nothing but a bad experience of fucked up relationships. Am I fine being single? Yes. One, because I know I can take care of myself, and two, because it is what’s best for my emotional state right now. It will be almost two years that things ended with John. How am I not anywhere near over this heartbreak? All I can keep hearing in my mind right now is that song “Whiskey Lullaby” by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss. So fucking pathetic.

So, I’m not really sure what I am doing with my life right now. Should I end things with the FWB? Should I keep letting John wreck my emotional state? Should I seek professional help? Should I refill my Xanax rx? Should I go take a shower and wash my hair since I haven’t in three days? I don’t know, and I’m not sure I ever will know…except about that shower. That is an obvious fucking yes.

Oh my heavenly Jesus. Next post I will tell you about the train wreck that is Romeo and I. Mother of God…

 

XO Vanessa

Standard

IT’S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE

So I fucking did it again. I went MIA on you guys. Definitely not my intention. I have really been having a rough few months. I thought anxiety attacks were behind me, but I guess I was wrong, and I guess AFJF had that kind of power over me for me to actually have one again.

I’m not sure where I left off with AFJF, and I am not sure I want to pick up on it. How about we just fast forward to present day so I don’t go out and walk to get another six pack of beer. Yes walk, because my battery died in my car. But I digress.

So the past few months I have been trying to stay positive and not let anything from me and AFJF’s past get to me. After numerous attempts to block him from my life, I realized I was going to have to take action. Legal action. You guessed it, I contacted G-Man. If  you have no idea who I am referring to, go back a few posts. Anywho, he told me the necessary steps I should take in order to file a harassment complaint against AFJF.

The more I thought about it, the more anxious I felt. Did I really want this poor soul to get arrested over me?

I should’ve kicked my inner self right in the vag for being soft. Today was a trying day with him. He contacted me and basically thinks it is hilarious that I keep asking him to leave me alone. He pries into my business, and acts like he did nothing wrong.

But that isn’t what makes me sick to my stomach. This is what tear-stains my pillow every night…

He has never apologized for treating me the way he did. He never apologized for telling me he would never hurt me and doing just that. He never apologized for telling me to eat a dick whenever I tried to help him through some shit. He never apologized for up and leaving with no explanation.

I know my thoughts are everywhere with this and I am truly sorry. For once in my 27 years of existence, I have nothing to say. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m lost…

…but I am taking it day by day. I know that one day I will be okay. I know that I won’t cry myself to sleep every night. I know that thoughts won’t fill my mind of where I went wrong. I know I am not to that point yet, and I have accepted it. I know I have a long road ahead of me.

I also know that there isn’t heartbreak behind every corner. I will never lose my ability to let myself go and to love hard.

XO Vanessa

okay

 

Standard