So I get home from work and turn on my Bose speaker and do my nightly routine. Take off makeup, sing, bathe, sing, floss, sing, brush teeth, and sing. I absolutely love music. I always try to identify with every song I listen to…which is a failure. I have an eclectic playlist on my phone ranging from Alanis Morissette to Devin the Dude to ZZ Top. Yea, pretty wide range there, y’all. I was jamming out to “Bed” by J. Holiday. One of my favorite jams from summer 2007. Anyway, not even halfway through singing, it hit me. There is a part that goes… “Now stop, And let me repay you for the week that you’ve been through, Workin’ that nine to five and stayin’ cute like you do…”. So I’m sitting there with mascara and eyeliner smudged all on one eye looking like a maniac when I realized I’ve never had that. I have never had anyone appreciate me and what I do not only for them, but for myself. I always like to show men how much I appreciate them. I treat them like husbands when the fucking dicks ain’t even boyfriends.

Why do I give so much of myself to people? Am I really craving love and attention that bad to the point where I’m throwing myself at someone appreciating every little thing he does? “Oh, you put the toilet seat down? Let me rub your back bae.” “OMG! You took the trash out, someone deserves a blow job tonight!” WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?! I have to stop this fuckery. Putting a FWB, or any guy for that matter, on a pedestal won’t make them love me. It only makes them use me more.

See, I know all this. I really do. I know selling my soul won’t give me what I want, but I don’t know how to be any other way. How do you break YEARS of bad dating and FWB habits? Is there a rehab out there for things like this? For being a doormat? For being a sucker? For caring too much? For pumping other people up? IS THERE??!! What’s the cure for this bullshit? I know there isn’t an actual answer to any of those questions.

And FYI, this woman doesn’t work nine to five. I work nine to eight. 11 hours. 11 long fucking grueling hours of bullshit. So where’s my appreciation, huh? I guess if I want my back rubbed I have to shell out $100 for a masseuse for one hour. *eyeroll*

XO Vanessa