I NEED A TALL DRINK OF WATER…OR TEQUILA

I have been pretty MIA and I am not really sure why. This is a great outlet for me to vent considering I haven’t seen my therapist in 9 months. Yep! I started seeing a therapist. After my last post I was very suicidal and destructive. I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. Things were going great with that for a while quite honestly. I got a new job in September so that had put a halt on my sessions. It’s really hard not to go back to that dark place whenever Im just so unhappy. Tonight isn’t a good night for me so I decided to open up the old MacBook Pro and see what could come of this.

Let’s backtrack to November so you can understand why I am where I am now.

So mid November a guy that I knew messaged me on Facebook. This was a guy I actually didn’t like because whenever I was with Robocop, he was being shady and trying to get with me. It was just disrespectful. I liked the attention though. Cannot lie about that. Anyway, he asked if he could take me to dinner soon. I was like wow. Someone is asking me on an actual DATE? I haven’t been on a date since December 2018! I was ecstatic. I agreed with a quickness. I gave him my number so we could discuss further. So again, this guy has been telling me for over 10 years I was his dream girl, blah blah. It was the night of Thanksgiving and we still hadn’t gone on an official date, but ended up at the bar together. I ended up giving him amazing head because I cannot contain myself when it comes to that. Literally the next day he is messaging other females. LAWD. Here we go. So we discussed how that made me felt, and that if he wanted to me with me and work on this, he had to stop his shady ways. Well for a good two weeks, he was at my house. Slept over every night. A week or so before Christmas he started acting shady again. He was tagging random females in his Facebook posts, not talking to me at all throughout the day, not coming over. So I told him to come get his shit and leave and that I am not dealing with that. So that is what he did. A few weeks go by and he tells me that he never deserved me and that I was too good for him. At this point sir, you are correct. There were more things that happened in this situation, but just know he was toxic and I didn’t deserve that nonsense.

Let’s backtrack again to October. So I had tinder at this point and this guy who we will call TaDOW—Tall Drink of Water–HAHA. The man is like 6’2. Anyway, TaDOW would randomly send dick pics on snapchat…unwarranted! I repeatedly asked him to stop and he finally did. Something in my should just kept me from blocking him. I swear, from October until March, he would snap me every day asking for selfies and asking to date. He was obviously being a smarts but it worked for him. SOOOO, in March I finally gave him my number. I was drunk so I could blame it on that if we didn’t converse well. We hit it off great so again, my little hopes got up. SO PERKY. We talked from March 14th until beginning of May without meeting. It was such a non pressure situation. Until he came home this past Thursday and wanted me to come over. My heart sank into my ass. Now I have to be me. There is no escaping the awkwardness that is Vanessa when she meets someone she likes. It is fucking embarrassing. I left work, came home to bathe and shave my legs. Didn’t have to worry about shaving my kitty because I had literally just started my period that morning. So penetration was happening that night. So I start my 1 hour and 20 minute trek to his house. NERVOUS AS FUCK. What if he doesn’t like me? What if I am too fat for him? What if my breath is horrid? What if I’m to ghetto for him? I pull into his neighborhood and immediately feel even worse. THIS IS A CLASSY ASS HOOD! My Camry didn’t belong. So I finally make it into his driveway and he tells me he is coming. He had to get dressed because he just got out the shower. Umm sir? You had over an hour to do this, but okay. He walks out and my heart stops. This man is fucking beautiful. No picture could’ve ever prepared me for what was standing in front of me. I just sat there mesmerized and he gave me a look like “are you coming or not?”. I had him help me with my overnight bag, because I am psychotic and pack for 3 nights when I’m only spending one night. Walk into his house and I just feel, not like myself. I felt self conscious. I felt not good enough. I felt like I needed to go home to my little house and get under the covers and cry. I don’t know if he could sense that, but he asked if I wanted a beer and I nearly yanked his hand off to get it.

After watching a rather boring movie and a few great kisses later, we made our way to his room. There, I took my clothes off that I had on and slipped into some undies and a t shirt to get comfortable. He likes my ass so I made to sure to bring underwear that accentuated that. I start rubbing his back for him because he previously worked 31 days in a row offshore. He deserved it. He appreciated it. We laid for a bit then I moved my hand to his dick. My vagina might not work, but my mouth does. So I started going down on him. I have a sense that he likes to be the dominate in bed and that is fine sometimes. I can roll with it. When he kept forcing my head down to lick his taint, I did because that is actually one of my favorite things to do. He has a nice size package. No complaints in that department really. And he keeps is shaved. AMEN. So he ends up coming, and naturally I swallow it. I go brush my teeth because I know some men can be weird about kissing a woman after that. No lie, after all that went down, it was like a shift.

He faced the end of the bed, so I just rubbed his back. He fell asleep that way. Now, in all our texts while he was working he stated how bad he wants to sleep next to me and cuddle. There was ZERO cuddling that night. And I didn’t sleep. A WINK. Every negative thought went through my head. Does he not like what he sees? Am I ugly? Is he just too tired? This is only his second night in his bed after 31 days. Am I too fat? This went on until four am. I managed to get an hour or so of sleep. I finally woke up and there he was. Still on the other side of the bed. I wanted to be in his nook where I was at night for like five seconds while watching a movie. We had meshed so perfectly. So I went to curl up next to him but he had made what seemed like a fortress with the blanket. ALRIGHT THEN. He finally wakes up and just puts his arm across my chest. So naturally I started scratching it with my nails. That is just engrained in me at this point in my life. See a free arm, scratch it. Anyway, he then grabs me and starts spooning for like 2 minutes. He then tells me he has to go get his son. I didn’t plan on staying there that long because I had to come home to let my dog out, but damn. Was he kicking me out? I literally got ready in 2 minutes. That includes brushing my teeth and braiding my hair.

So I get all my stuff together and he is still in bed. Im waiting for him to walk me out but he isn’t moving. So I got the hint. I asked I’m if I could see him again before he goes back to work and he said definitely. Okay?! Did he fucking mean that?? The signals here were so crossed me for I know my face had to look fucked up. So I let myself out…which saddened me. He didn’t thank me for coming, he didn’t thank me for driving over an hour to see him, he didn’t even talk me to the door. He gave me a half ass hug from the bed and a kiss. I got in my old car and left. The whole drive home I was quiet. So many bullshit thoughts in my head.

Looking at my phone hoping for a text. Nothing. I finally get him and let him know I made it. Still nothing. I decided to take a nap since I didn’t get any sleep. I slept from 10am until 4pm. Still nothing. I chalked it up to him being with his son. I can be understanding! So the next day I still hadn’t heard from him. I decided to just tell him to have a great day. He responded and it was a short conversation. Didn’t help my nerves on the situation at all. Today I talked to him briefly. So this is where I am. A MESS. A disgusting mess.

All I can think of, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I find someone that likes me? Why am I not good enough? If he isn’t in to me he needs to tell me and not just ignore me or make me feel like an ass. I did express that to him in the beginning of all this. I will respect the fuck out of someone for being honest!

But today I sent him a pic and told him I don’t always look raggedy (which I did look a little rough meeting him) and that I probably didn’t make a great first impression because I was nervous because I liked him a lot. His response was “you’re cute”.

That wasn’t what I was looking for. At this point, I can’t say I don’t know what I am looking for because I do.

I want someone that believes in love as hard as I do. I want someone that wants to be romantic with me and never stop. I want someone to look at me every day and realize what they have. I want to be able to trust my man when we aren’t together. I want to feel wanted. I want someone to randomly surprise me with flowers or candy just because.

I never had those things. I truly believe they do exist. Romance isn’t dead. Love isn’t dead. Maybe just my effort into finding these things has died. I don’t want to settle, but I also don’t want to be alone. The older I get, the more I realize I want someone in my life. I look at my family and realize how happy they all are, and I’m just the fifth wheel. It’s tough to be single when you are 30+.

I will never force a relationship, but FUCK!!! I am so sick of being let down and heart broken. I don’t go out looking for these people. They find me. They wear me down until I finally fall, and we all know I fucking fall hard, then just leave me hanging.

So right now, I have no idea what is going on with me and this guy. The more I think about him the more I like him. He is good on paper. Tall, in shape, great job, an older son, no baby mama drama, a nice house, crazy FUNNY, easy going, laughs at my corny jokes, would always tell me I am beautiful. But I haven’t gotten any of that since we met. Am I looking to much into this? Is he truly spending all that time with his son he can’t pick up the phone to tell me he is thinking of me? Is he not wanting selfies (that he constantly asked for) because he doesn’t have time to ask? My answer to all of these is NO and it is heartbreaking. I haven’t lashed out on him because he doesn’t deserve that, but I am literally over here pulling my hair out. WHAT ARE WE DOING?! I don’t have time for these games.

I have wasted so much of my time on men, I don’t want to do it anymore. I CAN’T do it anymore. I am mentally, physically, emotionally drained. If this doesn’t work out I vow that I am not dating or entertaining a man until the year 2021.

I am going to give this guy a little more time before I decided to right him off, but I just know in my heart that he has probably already done that.

 

XO Vanessa

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ALL IN MY FEELINGS

So, here we are. Friday night. 11pm. In bed alone watching Pretty Woman and listening to the swamp creatures have a party outside my fucking window. Bugs in the south are little shits. Anyway, I’m 28 and alone. All alone…and I done it to myself. The past few months have been some horrid ones. My memories and night terrors are getting the best of me. My mind is such a cluster fuck, I have no idea where to start for you guys. I guess we can start at last July and AFJF.

End of July I realized my depression was getting out of hand so I decided to take a visit to my doctor. I’ve been on meds ever since and I can tell a drastic difference. I mean, clearly I still have my shitty moments. Like right now. So that is when I decided AFJF needed to give me an explanation of WHY he turned out to be such a big disappointment. FOR REAL THIS TIME! I know he finally told me he hurt me, but why???!!

I have no idea why I ever thought he would be man enough to admit shit. So that was that…for then.

Around late August I came into contact with a guy that I curved while I was messing around with OBM. Let’s call this one Sex and Candy. SNC for short. He has that Maroon 5 vibe going on. We went out to a bar to chat and get to know each other then went back to his place. Yes, we had sex. I wouldn’t be writing this post if we hadn’t. I know I say this a lot, but the sex with this kid was ahhhmazing. Anywho, I left his place the next morning and we texted back and forth that day. The next day I hadn’t heard from him. WTF. So I was not about to be that clingy girl, and i just let it fucking go.

A week or so after that incident I decided to let Romeo back into my life. Can any of you tell me why? I am still trying to figure this out myself a fucking year later. So we go out with some friends. Mind you, HE asked ME to go out with him and another couple. So here I am thinking that it is like a double date type of thing. Cool. We get to the bar and a few drinks in I find myself sitting alone at the bar. Ummm Wherefore art thou Romeo? Rome-ho was busy chatting up the bartender and taking pics of her ass. To say I lost my shit is putting it lightly. Two years worth of frustration came out my body like a fucking exorcism. My God. I can’t tell you how embarrassed I am to this day about the incident. Anyway, we get in a huge argument and I leave. Which wasn’t an easy task because I didn’t have my car and we were about three towns away from home. Even in my drunken state I had some common sense. I decided getting in a vehicle with him would’ve resulted in a physical altercation. That is how much I hated him at that moment. So a dear friend came and got me and I blocked Rome-ho once again.

Cut to a few weeks later and I get a text from SNC. Da fuck? Where had he been? I play it off casually, but inside I was fuming. I really need to work on my temper guys. Lawd. Anyway, SNC had been offshore and didn’t have cell service. Which was odd to me since AFJF is a diver and would text me 4098390 miles under water. So I got sucked in once again into some shitty ass situationship. This time for NINE fucking months, y’all! NINE! The whole time I had to hear how he didn’t want a relationship, he was hurt from his past. The same shit I say to men. LOL. I just went with it. I realized I needed to end things because I was catching them feelings, y’all. Oh did I also mention that I asked him if he was fucking anyone else and he lied? Yea that happened. I am notorious for stalking people on social media. It wasn’t even him I was stalking though. I was snooping around some skanks IG page and I notice a familiar looking porch. I know the porch because I tripped on the shit numerous times. Ummm? So you aren’t entertaining anyone else but this disgusting skank is at your house? Please go lie somewhere else.

It was around the end of March that I ended things PHYSICALLY. He got a little salty about it and I’m not sure why. I guess because I blew up his game? That is most likely the case. Around this time I decided I needed to mend things with Romeo. I unblocked him and he asked me out on a proper date. It was rather nice. I didn’t expect anything to come from it. We will get to more of that later.

So, during March, April, May and part of June I had SNC sending me dick pics saying he missed me. I have to admit, he has a very pretty dick! Like, gorgeous. Model material. But after his lies, I was over it. I wasn’t turned on. I didn’t want to fuck. I still don’t want to fuck. Again, more on this later. So finally he got the hint and stopped contacting me. I shit you not guys, not even a week later he was posting this blonde girl saying she was his baby and he missed her blah blah. Fucking slap in the face with the gorgeous dick. He tells me he doesn’t want shit and he’s scared and now he’s in a relationship?… I am still at a loss for words. I can’t tell you how shitty that makes a person feel. At least when I say it, I fucking mean it. And the girl lives in Texas. So clearly he was on some type of dating/hookup app to have found this Great Value brand Barbie. I was just astonished. In those instances, y’all know I would lose my shit and tell him about himself. I didn’t. Because that is how OVER I am with shit.

Around Father’s Day I received a text from AFJF. He found some underwear he took from me and asked if I wanted them back. Dude *insert fucking eye roll* STOP reaching. That’s like asking if I want my bobby pins back. The fuck with that shit. I was very dry with him about it all and I haven’t heard from him since. To say I’m still hurt, isn’t even accurate. BROKEN is a more accurate description. He made me believe he was something to be proud of, but turned out to be the biggest disappointment I have ever endured. I know deep down it’s a good thing he hasn’t contacted me since. But there are mornings I wake up wishing to see his initials pop up in a text. We will get back to him in a bit.

I know, I know. I told you guys my mind is a cluster fuck. Sad part is I am not drinking while typing this. I hope everyone reading is though. May be the only way to understand my jumbled up shit.

So fast forward to mid July. I had been getting A LOOOTTTTT of texts from Romeo. I found it odd. He hadn’t initiated convos with me like that in a long time. I missed it. So I went along with it. He was being sweet, kind, not his usual self. One night at work, I get a text from him telling me to call him when I got off. OKAY? This had my stomach in knots, but I called him anyway. We had about an hour conversation with me stunned in silence for about three hours after we hung up. Romeo asked me to be in a committed relationship with him. WHAT THE FUCK? He told me to take all the time I needed to think about it and decide what I wanted to do. So many thoughts had run through my mind. What if we do actually do this and things end up bad? There would be no way to go back to a normal friendship like we had been having. But on the other hand, nothing about us is normal, so I have no idea why I said that. Even not friends, we are still dysfunctional as the fuck. So I thought about it. Brace yourselves…

I decided to go through with it. I told him I wanted to talk to him in person about it so we ended up meeting about a week later because both of our schedules are cock suckers.

Does anyone think that things would ever work out for me? If so, you must have not read any other posts on this blog. Romeo had acted like he never asked me to be in a relationship. He kept making jokes deflecting from the situation. At this point, I was too mentally exhausted to throw a fit or show my emotions about it. I drank my margarita, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and hauled ass. I didn’t hear from him for two weeks.

I ended up texting him because he showed up at a bar that my friend was at. I have no idea why people feel the need to tell me what he does, but whatever. He tried to be suave and shit asking me to meet him. I CALMLY lost my shit. Is that even possible? I don’t know, but I did it. I can’t remember exactly what I told him, but I know I ended it with asking him why are we still doing this after three years and telling him he is too old to be playing these games. I didn’t give him a chance to respond. I blocked him. This is what I feared if our relationship had failed. Well fuck me. We didn’t even start a relationship and our friendship already suffered from it.

I have been in an unstable emotional state lately. I’ve been thinking about my past. Not a few years ago, but like ten years ago. When I was a naive high school graduate running around with some dude who was “no good” for me. This guy and AFJF kind merge at that point. Really weird. The two people that fucked me up the most are the two people I was talking to at the same time and still have deep feelings for to this day. What in the actual fuck? HAHA I am not even sure what to call this new (to you) guy I am talking about. He deserves more than a nickname. He deserves for every one to know who he was. Yes, was. The reason he hurt me so much is that he died a few years back whenever I was with Robocop. I couldn’t grieve his death because we all know Robo’s fucked up mentality. Me and, we will call him REAL because that is what he was, Real didn’t end on good terms. We were an “item” for most of my high school years. Very few people knew because his baby mama was nuts and my mom was judgmental as the fuck. We had our ups and downs like most people. Whenever we were having a rough patch is when me and AFJF started talking for a bit. Real didn’t like this and told me to end it. So I did, and AFJF was hurt. How ironic.

We ended our relationship after he got arrested for some petty shit that didn’t involve me, but I just rather not talk about it. My 19th birthday is the last time I had contact with him. When he got out of jail, which I think he was in for a little over a year, he called me. I went see him, we slept together, I spent the night and it was great. The next night is when I met Robocop. So a few days after seeing him, Real contacted me to get together. Robo wasn’t thrilled because he “knew of him” and told me not to speak to him. So I didn’t. He called me and I cut him off and shut him out. For a fucking prick.

One day while in college I was walking to class and I heard someone call my name. I legit had no idea who it was so I kept walking like the bitch that I am. It was him. He was on a job there. The reason I know it was him is because him and Robo had a run in a little bit after that. This has stuck with me for a while what happened next. Real told Robo he loved me and he was going to be with me. This was a few months before he passed.

I know he truly loved me with everything he had. He was my protector. My best friend. The pain in my ass. The reason I am the tough person I am today. Real snuck into my high school graduation and shouted my name when it was my turn to receive my diploma. I snuck him on my senior trip and had the best trip of my life. He always made sure nothing bad would ever happen to me. He beat someone up for me. He made sure his crazy baby mama never touched me. I was his girl. Truly his. I will never be anyone’s girl ever again. I just feel it in my soul. I had pushed him so far into the back of my memories because it is so hard to realize that I will never have this again with him. Even when we were bad, we were good. I never talk about him. I pretended like I never knew him. That none of it ever happened. That he was just a figment of my imagination. It is easier that way. Well, was.

This mother fucker came to me in a dream and that’s that. I can no longer hide him from myself. I have to face the situation and deal with my emotions and my fuck up. I want to blame all these men for hurting me, but I’m only hurting myself by keeping all these emotions pent up. I am to blame for my loneliness. I can’t let go of what was because I never faced it.

I haven’t had sex since March. I’m sick of running around with men who have no fucking regard for anyone else’s feelings but theirs. I’m sure I’ll get drunk one night and fuck someone and start the whole cycle over. But it will be just that. A fuck…

I can’t even say I have a love life anymore. It is non existent. In shambles. A fiasco. I have always been a huge believer in love. I don’t know if I believe that anymore. Maybe there isn’t someone out there for everyone and if there is, they missed their chance like I did with Real.

Maybe some people were born to walk alone. Like drifters…if you don’t get that reference, you’re too young for me bro.

 

XO Vanessa

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I GOT YOU BABE

Last night Romeo asked me to go over to his house to have a few beers with him and his friend and his friend’s wife. Those two people were complete train wrecks. They argued and she left him there. With us. He was fucking wasted and annoying. I almost felt sorry for him. Anyway, he finally decided to leave so we brought him home and went back to Romeo’s. 

Nothing happened. I forgot to shave…again. I was so disappointed in myself. It was nice just being with Romeo though. We watched tv and I fell asleep for a bit. I feel safe with him. And comfortable. When I was leaving I joked with him saying I’ll see him in a few weeks because it always ends up like that. :/

I am just getting tired of the games. I wish he could just make a fucking commitment. I have plans to go see Drum Boy this weekend and Romeo has plans with his kids, so we definitely won’t see each other. I might as well just come out and say that I love him. Obviously there is something there between us..just not sure what. Four months of another no commitment relationship. Is this another fucklationship? No, I think it is more. There are definitely more feelings involved here on both sides. 

Last night he called me babe. Something he has never done before. I know it is just a pet name, but it felt nice. 

Note to self: Keep the vag shaved or start getting waxed. 

 

XO Vanessa

 

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DELETE ME FROM SOCIAL MEDIA, I DELETE YOU FROM MY LIFE

Nothing new or interesting going on lately. Sir deleted me from social media, yet posts passive-aggressive statuses about me. He is so cool. NOT. I don’t have time for his foolishness. DONE.

I went get food last night for my mother and just happened to pass in front of Romeo’s house. I texted him telling him to stop dancing naked in front of the window. HAHAHA I love that I can joke with him because he came right back telling me to stop peaking.

Then he asked me to come over for a beer. I told him I would tomorrow night. He said okay.

I told my friend about it and she said “good. have control over the situation”.

The truth is, I didn’t go because my legs weren’t shaved and I hadn’t bathed yet! lol I so would’ve went though. I haven’t talked to him really today so I am not sure if he still wants to have that beer. I’ll just bug him like normal until he invites me over.

It’s been a while since I had penetration and it is killing me!!! Hopefully he is down because I need some Romeo in my life.

XO Vanessa

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