SWIPER NO SWIPING…LEFT OR RIGHT?!

So things did not work out with TaDOW. From this point forward we are calling him bd–BIG DISAPPOINTMENT. I had seriously gotten my hopes up with him. I don’t understand how someone can be so into you then drop off the face of the Earth. bd finally talked to me a couple weeks ago. His excuse for not responding was that I already seemed really mad and he didn’t want to deal with it so he kept ignoring me. All I could do was laugh. I have never in my life had someone be so much of a ballsack toward me. I never sent him anything rude, mean, out of line, or angry for that matter. Asking for a conversation about what is going on is not angry. How about you stop being a little cunt bitch, be a man and talk to me? After getting the run around, zero answers, and just a complete shit conversation, I told him I was going to just move on and leave him alone. Mind you, all this happened on snapchat. Are we in junior high or in our 30’s? I have never been so embarrassed before. Okay okay…maybe I have. But this is up there in the top five for sure.

I kept him on my snap like the petty person I am though. bd will see this GLOW UP! I don’t know what his reasonings were for acting the way he did, but it isn’t my problem anymore. He will send me random messages like he did before we started talking and I just ignore them or say something very smartassy. He did end up saying that my version of events weren’t correct, but I am smart enough to know he was deflecting. He also had the audacity to tell me I wasn’t consistent and when I asked how he ignored me. I honestly hope he finds some sort of happiness. I have to feel sorry for someone that is clearly very unhappy in life. That is the only explanation for him acting shitty towards me when I didn’t do a damn thing.

The one thing I can say I am happy about is the fact we did not have sex. I usually get very attached when I have sex with someone I like. Can ya’ll imagine? I would’ve went off the deep end. I can’t lie and say I’m not sad about the situation. I let it consume me sometimes and I know that is unhealthy. I think about that and then immediately wonder if I will ever be happy with someone or be alone forever.

I recently got Tinder again because I am a glutton for punishment. Of course bd was on there and me being the stupid bitch I am, I swiped right. He did too and that pissed me off even more. You give me the excuse you can’t talk to me because you’re so stressed with work and busy, but you have time to swipe on tinder. Makes sense.

Swiping left and right is old. It brings zero joy to my life. I was fine when I was 24 and had a will to live. I am about to be 31. I am single, drowning in debt, drive an old car, and getting fatter by the day. BUT, I can change all that… and I will. I have no one stopping me but myself.

Anyway, back to Tinder. I have had quite a few matches and they are all so gross. The pick up lines. The desperation. The pushiness. I have unmatched a good bit of them because of their AUDACITY. I make it clear what I am looking for and they still have the nerve to step to me like uncultured fucks. So, I save all of us some time and unmatch. What in this world makes you think I want to send you a picture basically of my uterus when I don’t even know your last name? BYE!

As far as bd, I am not over it. I am hurt. I am upset. I am tired. I know that one day I will get over it. I know I need to start by deleting him from all my social media, but like I said, I want him to see this glow up.

He will come crawling back like five of my exes recently have.

I hope ya’ll are staying safe during COVID and being nice humans toward one another.

This world needs all the love right now.

 

XO Vanessa

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I NEED A TALL DRINK OF WATER…OR TEQUILA

I have been pretty MIA and I am not really sure why. This is a great outlet for me to vent considering I haven’t seen my therapist in 9 months. Yep! I started seeing a therapist. After my last post I was very suicidal and destructive. I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. Things were going great with that for a while quite honestly. I got a new job in September so that had put a halt on my sessions. It’s really hard not to go back to that dark place whenever Im just so unhappy. Tonight isn’t a good night for me so I decided to open up the old MacBook Pro and see what could come of this.

Let’s backtrack to November so you can understand why I am where I am now.

So mid November a guy that I knew messaged me on Facebook. This was a guy I actually didn’t like because whenever I was with Robocop, he was being shady and trying to get with me. It was just disrespectful. I liked the attention though. Cannot lie about that. Anyway, he asked if he could take me to dinner soon. I was like wow. Someone is asking me on an actual DATE? I haven’t been on a date since December 2018! I was ecstatic. I agreed with a quickness. I gave him my number so we could discuss further. So again, this guy has been telling me for over 10 years I was his dream girl, blah blah. It was the night of Thanksgiving and we still hadn’t gone on an official date, but ended up at the bar together. I ended up giving him amazing head because I cannot contain myself when it comes to that. Literally the next day he is messaging other females. LAWD. Here we go. So we discussed how that made me felt, and that if he wanted to me with me and work on this, he had to stop his shady ways. Well for a good two weeks, he was at my house. Slept over every night. A week or so before Christmas he started acting shady again. He was tagging random females in his Facebook posts, not talking to me at all throughout the day, not coming over. So I told him to come get his shit and leave and that I am not dealing with that. So that is what he did. A few weeks go by and he tells me that he never deserved me and that I was too good for him. At this point sir, you are correct. There were more things that happened in this situation, but just know he was toxic and I didn’t deserve that nonsense.

Let’s backtrack again to October. So I had tinder at this point and this guy who we will call TaDOW—Tall Drink of Water–HAHA. The man is like 6’2. Anyway, TaDOW would randomly send dick pics on snapchat…unwarranted! I repeatedly asked him to stop and he finally did. Something in my should just kept me from blocking him. I swear, from October until March, he would snap me every day asking for selfies and asking to date. He was obviously being a smarts but it worked for him. SOOOO, in March I finally gave him my number. I was drunk so I could blame it on that if we didn’t converse well. We hit it off great so again, my little hopes got up. SO PERKY. We talked from March 14th until beginning of May without meeting. It was such a non pressure situation. Until he came home this past Thursday and wanted me to come over. My heart sank into my ass. Now I have to be me. There is no escaping the awkwardness that is Vanessa when she meets someone she likes. It is fucking embarrassing. I left work, came home to bathe and shave my legs. Didn’t have to worry about shaving my kitty because I had literally just started my period that morning. So penetration was happening that night. So I start my 1 hour and 20 minute trek to his house. NERVOUS AS FUCK. What if he doesn’t like me? What if I am too fat for him? What if my breath is horrid? What if I’m to ghetto for him? I pull into his neighborhood and immediately feel even worse. THIS IS A CLASSY ASS HOOD! My Camry didn’t belong. So I finally make it into his driveway and he tells me he is coming. He had to get dressed because he just got out the shower. Umm sir? You had over an hour to do this, but okay. He walks out and my heart stops. This man is fucking beautiful. No picture could’ve ever prepared me for what was standing in front of me. I just sat there mesmerized and he gave me a look like “are you coming or not?”. I had him help me with my overnight bag, because I am psychotic and pack for 3 nights when I’m only spending one night. Walk into his house and I just feel, not like myself. I felt self conscious. I felt not good enough. I felt like I needed to go home to my little house and get under the covers and cry. I don’t know if he could sense that, but he asked if I wanted a beer and I nearly yanked his hand off to get it.

After watching a rather boring movie and a few great kisses later, we made our way to his room. There, I took my clothes off that I had on and slipped into some undies and a t shirt to get comfortable. He likes my ass so I made to sure to bring underwear that accentuated that. I start rubbing his back for him because he previously worked 31 days in a row offshore. He deserved it. He appreciated it. We laid for a bit then I moved my hand to his dick. My vagina might not work, but my mouth does. So I started going down on him. I have a sense that he likes to be the dominate in bed and that is fine sometimes. I can roll with it. When he kept forcing my head down to lick his taint, I did because that is actually one of my favorite things to do. He has a nice size package. No complaints in that department really. And he keeps is shaved. AMEN. So he ends up coming, and naturally I swallow it. I go brush my teeth because I know some men can be weird about kissing a woman after that. No lie, after all that went down, it was like a shift.

He faced the end of the bed, so I just rubbed his back. He fell asleep that way. Now, in all our texts while he was working he stated how bad he wants to sleep next to me and cuddle. There was ZERO cuddling that night. And I didn’t sleep. A WINK. Every negative thought went through my head. Does he not like what he sees? Am I ugly? Is he just too tired? This is only his second night in his bed after 31 days. Am I too fat? This went on until four am. I managed to get an hour or so of sleep. I finally woke up and there he was. Still on the other side of the bed. I wanted to be in his nook where I was at night for like five seconds while watching a movie. We had meshed so perfectly. So I went to curl up next to him but he had made what seemed like a fortress with the blanket. ALRIGHT THEN. He finally wakes up and just puts his arm across my chest. So naturally I started scratching it with my nails. That is just engrained in me at this point in my life. See a free arm, scratch it. Anyway, he then grabs me and starts spooning for like 2 minutes. He then tells me he has to go get his son. I didn’t plan on staying there that long because I had to come home to let my dog out, but damn. Was he kicking me out? I literally got ready in 2 minutes. That includes brushing my teeth and braiding my hair.

So I get all my stuff together and he is still in bed. Im waiting for him to walk me out but he isn’t moving. So I got the hint. I asked I’m if I could see him again before he goes back to work and he said definitely. Okay?! Did he fucking mean that?? The signals here were so crossed me for I know my face had to look fucked up. So I let myself out…which saddened me. He didn’t thank me for coming, he didn’t thank me for driving over an hour to see him, he didn’t even talk me to the door. He gave me a half ass hug from the bed and a kiss. I got in my old car and left. The whole drive home I was quiet. So many bullshit thoughts in my head.

Looking at my phone hoping for a text. Nothing. I finally get him and let him know I made it. Still nothing. I decided to take a nap since I didn’t get any sleep. I slept from 10am until 4pm. Still nothing. I chalked it up to him being with his son. I can be understanding! So the next day I still hadn’t heard from him. I decided to just tell him to have a great day. He responded and it was a short conversation. Didn’t help my nerves on the situation at all. Today I talked to him briefly. So this is where I am. A MESS. A disgusting mess.

All I can think of, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I find someone that likes me? Why am I not good enough? If he isn’t in to me he needs to tell me and not just ignore me or make me feel like an ass. I did express that to him in the beginning of all this. I will respect the fuck out of someone for being honest!

But today I sent him a pic and told him I don’t always look raggedy (which I did look a little rough meeting him) and that I probably didn’t make a great first impression because I was nervous because I liked him a lot. His response was “you’re cute”.

That wasn’t what I was looking for. At this point, I can’t say I don’t know what I am looking for because I do.

I want someone that believes in love as hard as I do. I want someone that wants to be romantic with me and never stop. I want someone to look at me every day and realize what they have. I want to be able to trust my man when we aren’t together. I want to feel wanted. I want someone to randomly surprise me with flowers or candy just because.

I never had those things. I truly believe they do exist. Romance isn’t dead. Love isn’t dead. Maybe just my effort into finding these things has died. I don’t want to settle, but I also don’t want to be alone. The older I get, the more I realize I want someone in my life. I look at my family and realize how happy they all are, and I’m just the fifth wheel. It’s tough to be single when you are 30+.

I will never force a relationship, but FUCK!!! I am so sick of being let down and heart broken. I don’t go out looking for these people. They find me. They wear me down until I finally fall, and we all know I fucking fall hard, then just leave me hanging.

So right now, I have no idea what is going on with me and this guy. The more I think about him the more I like him. He is good on paper. Tall, in shape, great job, an older son, no baby mama drama, a nice house, crazy FUNNY, easy going, laughs at my corny jokes, would always tell me I am beautiful. But I haven’t gotten any of that since we met. Am I looking to much into this? Is he truly spending all that time with his son he can’t pick up the phone to tell me he is thinking of me? Is he not wanting selfies (that he constantly asked for) because he doesn’t have time to ask? My answer to all of these is NO and it is heartbreaking. I haven’t lashed out on him because he doesn’t deserve that, but I am literally over here pulling my hair out. WHAT ARE WE DOING?! I don’t have time for these games.

I have wasted so much of my time on men, I don’t want to do it anymore. I CAN’T do it anymore. I am mentally, physically, emotionally drained. If this doesn’t work out I vow that I am not dating or entertaining a man until the year 2021.

I am going to give this guy a little more time before I decided to right him off, but I just know in my heart that he has probably already done that.

 

XO Vanessa

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SUCKERS, THIS ONE’S FOR YOU

I am one of those suckers. For those of us who still believe in love, I pray for us all. So I’ve been MIA again. Depression can be a cunt. So around Christmas time I met a guy we will call Mr. Electric since he is an electrician. We clicked right away. He would snap, text, call me a lot. I thought we had something going. He even admitted his feelings in a text. So on the night I finally decide to have sex with him, I got my heart broken. First off, I did it against my better judgment, but he was so attractive I didn’t care. Second, I should’ve followed that judgment because his tool was smaller than my pinky. He lasted maybe four seconds, and that is me being lenient. Third, whenever I started talking about feelings, he shut down and basically told me to leave. WOW! If that doesn’t send someone into a depression, I don’t know what will. Bad sex and rejection…excuse me while I go fix a fucking drink to drown my sorrows in.

So, let’s talk about depression. For some reason, this got me to spiral bad. I didn’t want to live. I was sick of rejection, I was sick of caring about people. That night I took a shower in the dark and cried myself to sleep. The next time I took a variety of pills and went out to drink (which in no way do I condone. I know what I did was reckless.) I had to go to my sister’s house to give her my gun, because that is how tired I was of living. I’m doing better since I started therapy last week, but I still have my moments, like tonight.

This is where I segue into the other guy with the same exact real name as Mr. Electrician. We will call him Daddy Warbucks (Daddy for short because I am not typing all that shit out) because he is bald, has money, and is intimidating. I’ve known him on social media for over four years due to tinder. UGH. Anyway, we finally decided to meet. We met a few days after Christmas. I met him in a city in the middle of where we both live. When I tell you it was an amazing night, I am not lying. After my nerves settled, I realized what a gentleman this guy was. There was never a dull moment during our date, which was at the finest restaurant, with the finest food and wine. We ended up going back to his hotel room and just slept. He woke me up with oral. I guess he was hungry. He didn’t expect anything in return which was refreshing since I had bad cotton mouth. He just help me all night and morning in his big ass arms. It was great. The next day he told me we should do it again. I agreed. Guess who didn’t do it again?

Tonight we were supposed to go out, but I go stood up and I have a feeling I know why. Saturday I asked him what we were doing so I know how invested to get and I expressed that eventually I want a long term relationship. I am almost 30. I want to settle down. I want to share my life with someone. Obviously that freaked him out. I haven’t heard from him since. I am literally so tired and sick of men acting like children. Just tell me the truth, whatever it may be. I can handle that better than I can someone ignoring me. All evening I have been feeling so worthless. Why should I feel that way when I know what I have to offer? Why don’t these men feel worthless for treating someone like me with little to no respect?

I don’t go out looking for these men. They find me. They approach me. They ask me out. When shit gets real they run. If you have no intentions of being in someone’s life, don’t fucking start something with them. Don’t treat them like they matter only to fuck them over a few weeks later.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in with everyone and say I am doing lots better with my depression and maybe love is only for a select few in the world. I am certain I am not one of those few. My biggest fear is ending up like Miranda Hobbes in that episode of SATC where she chokes and she is all alone because she chooses not to be in a relationship. What if I choke and no one is there to save me? There’s only a certain number of times I can save myself…

 

XO Vanessa

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THE DREADED DEAR JOHN LETTER

Dear John,

I am writing this letter to let you know how much I hate you and how much I hate myself. I hate myself for allowing you in my life again. I went against my better judgment and decided to give you a chance again almost three years ago. To this day, I regret it. I probably always will regret it. I hate myself for allowing you to fuck with my feelings, my sanity, my life. I was strong before we got back together and you took that away from me. You took away any happiness I ever known. I will never forgive you; not that you deserve it anyway, I hate myself that I can’t go a day thinking about you and the good times and how you had to fuck it up. I hate myself for thinking ever thinking you’d change your mind. I hate myself for thinking you were the one. I hate myself for not being able to open up to anyone because of how bad YOU fucked me up. I used to call you my Mr. Big, but the truth is, you are nowhere near the man he is. He may be just a character on a tv series, but that character will have more depth to him than you ever will. You have no idea on how to love someone. You have no feelings. You only care about yourself, and not to the destruction you leave behind. I hate myself for not being able to sleep at night because I can’t stop crying over you. I hate myself for thinking everyone is going to hurt me like you did. Finally, I hate myself for ever loving you.

I hate you for doing all of these things to me. I hate you for thinking you could come into my life and thinking you could fuck it up with out any repercussions. I hate you for leading me on. I hate you for continually trying to contact me for your own enjoyment. I hate you for making me believe love again. I hate you for making me feel like I will literally die of heartbreak. Finally, I hate you for making me feel like I had nothing to live for.

As you can see, I clearly hate myself more than I hate you and that isn’t okay. YOU did this to me. You made me feel worthless and I am sick of blaming and hating myself for it. You’re the fucked up individual.

I use to wish that you would one day feel this pain I am feeling. I don’t wish that anymore. The reason is because I know you can’t handle it. You’re a fucking weak ass bitch. A pussy, if you will. You don’t know how to deal with things without lashing out like a psychotic person.

I don’t wish this on you anymore. Wishing it won’t make me feel better and it actually happening won’t make me feel better. I need to be a better person and just wish you the best, as much as that makes me sick to say.

I wish you happiness because maybe then one day you won’t leave chaos and destruction everywhere you go. You won’t destroy everything you touch. I hope that one day you find someone who would’ve given you everything like I would’ve. Most of all, I hope that you think of me everyday. I hope that you realize how much you fucked up. I hope that you never think of contacting me again because you know it would only hurt me more. I hope that you one day realize how wonderful of a woman, human being, lover, friend, confidant, and badass that I really am.

I hope that one day we can both look back on the times we had and smile. I know that won’t be soon for me, but I hope it happens in the future because I refuse to let you fuck up the rest of my life. I will forever regret it, but I know I can move on from it one day.

I have hope. Hope for life. Hope for love. Hope for knowing that I will be happy again one day, and I will NOT let YOU ever take that away from me again.

I truly wish you all the best.

XO Vanessa

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WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

Sir has been blowing up my phone since Monday night. WHYYY?!?!?! He is trying to use reverse psychology on me and it is backfiring. He is on my last nerve. He also told me he won’t stop chasing me. PSYCHO ALERT!!! I am just over him. He is putting all the blame on me. He told me I am scared, blah blah blah. Really? I am sure all of you can vouch for me on that one. He also called me a Tinder bopper. That is what set me off. I came right back at him. He is too old to be playing games like that. He is childish, immature, and dumb. Stupid fucker. But if he doesn’t stop, I may have to change my number and my whole damn identity. I don’t like it when people harass me, even if they are doing it because they “love” me. It just needs to stop. Thankfully he doesn’t have my address. At least I don’t think he does. 

Romeo has been sticking around lately. Not sure how long it will last. I came to the conclusion that my heart belongs to him. I can’t help it. He makes me happy when we are together. I know he is busy dealing with his kids and their extracurricular activities. I need to stop giving him a rough time. Plus he has been married twice. I don’t want to pressure him into a relationship. We decided we want to get together soon. We just didn’t make any set plans. So we will see what happens with that. 

I have a function to attend this weekend which requires to me bring a date. Okay, I’m not required, but I am surely not going alone. Instead of getting the balls to ask Romeo I asked my best friend Talulah to come with me. We always have a blast together! I plan on posting lots of pics on social media just to piss Sir off and to make Romeo miss me 😉 

I’m so mature. haha

XO Vanessa

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