SUCKERS, THIS ONE’S FOR YOU

I am one of those suckers. For those of us who still believe in love, I pray for us all. So I’ve been MIA again. Depression can be a cunt. So around Christmas time I met a guy we will call Mr. Electric since he is an electrician. We clicked right away. He would snap, text, call me a lot. I thought we had something going. He even admitted his feelings in a text. So on the night I finally decide to have sex with him, I got my heart broken. First off, I did it against my better judgment, but he was so attractive I didn’t care. Second, I should’ve followed that judgment because his tool was smaller than my pinky. He lasted maybe four seconds, and that is me being lenient. Third, whenever I started talking about feelings, he shut down and basically told me to leave. WOW! If that doesn’t send someone into a depression, I don’t know what will. Bad sex and rejection…excuse me while I go fix a fucking drink to drown my sorrows in.

So, let’s talk about depression. For some reason, this got me to spiral bad. I didn’t want to live. I was sick of rejection, I was sick of caring about people. That night I took a shower in the dark and cried myself to sleep. The next time I took a variety of pills and went out to drink (which in no way do I condone. I know what I did was reckless.) I had to go to my sister’s house to give her my gun, because that is how tired I was of living. I’m doing better since I started therapy last week, but I still have my moments, like tonight.

This is where I segue into the other guy with the same exact real name as Mr. Electrician. We will call him Daddy Warbucks (Daddy for short because I am not typing all that shit out) because he is bald, has money, and is intimidating. I’ve known him on social media for over four years due to tinder. UGH. Anyway, we finally decided to meet. We met a few days after Christmas. I met him in a city in the middle of where we both live. When I tell you it was an amazing night, I am not lying. After my nerves settled, I realized what a gentleman this guy was. There was never a dull moment during our date, which was at the finest restaurant, with the finest food and wine. We ended up going back to his hotel room and just slept. He woke me up with oral. I guess he was hungry. He didn’t expect anything in return which was refreshing since I had bad cotton mouth. He just help me all night and morning in his big ass arms. It was great. The next day he told me we should do it again. I agreed. Guess who didn’t do it again?

Tonight we were supposed to go out, but I go stood up and I have a feeling I know why. Saturday I asked him what we were doing so I know how invested to get and I expressed that eventually I want a long term relationship. I am almost 30. I want to settle down. I want to share my life with someone. Obviously that freaked him out. I haven’t heard from him since. I am literally so tired and sick of men acting like children. Just tell me the truth, whatever it may be. I can handle that better than I can someone ignoring me. All evening I have been feeling so worthless. Why should I feel that way when I know what I have to offer? Why don’t these men feel worthless for treating someone like me with little to no respect?

I don’t go out looking for these men. They find me. They approach me. They ask me out. When shit gets real they run. If you have no intentions of being in someone’s life, don’t fucking start something with them. Don’t treat them like they matter only to fuck them over a few weeks later.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in with everyone and say I am doing lots better with my depression and maybe love is only for a select few in the world. I am certain I am not one of those few. My biggest fear is ending up like Miranda Hobbes in that episode of SATC where she chokes and she is all alone because she chooses not to be in a relationship. What if I choke and no one is there to save me? There’s only a certain number of times I can save myself…

 

XO Vanessa

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THE DREADED DEAR JOHN LETTER

Dear John,

I am writing this letter to let you know how much I hate you and how much I hate myself. I hate myself for allowing you in my life again. I went against my better judgment and decided to give you a chance again almost three years ago. To this day, I regret it. I probably always will regret it. I hate myself for allowing you to fuck with my feelings, my sanity, my life. I was strong before we got back together and you took that away from me. You took away any happiness I ever known. I will never forgive you; not that you deserve it anyway, I hate myself that I can’t go a day thinking about you and the good times and how you had to fuck it up. I hate myself for thinking ever thinking you’d change your mind. I hate myself for thinking you were the one. I hate myself for not being able to open up to anyone because of how bad YOU fucked me up. I used to call you my Mr. Big, but the truth is, you are nowhere near the man he is. He may be just a character on a tv series, but that character will have more depth to him than you ever will. You have no idea on how to love someone. You have no feelings. You only care about yourself, and not to the destruction you leave behind. I hate myself for not being able to sleep at night because I can’t stop crying over you. I hate myself for thinking everyone is going to hurt me like you did. Finally, I hate myself for ever loving you.

I hate you for doing all of these things to me. I hate you for thinking you could come into my life and thinking you could fuck it up with out any repercussions. I hate you for leading me on. I hate you for continually trying to contact me for your own enjoyment. I hate you for making me believe love again. I hate you for making me feel like I will literally die of heartbreak. Finally, I hate you for making me feel like I had nothing to live for.

As you can see, I clearly hate myself more than I hate you and that isn’t okay. YOU did this to me. You made me feel worthless and I am sick of blaming and hating myself for it. You’re the fucked up individual.

I use to wish that you would one day feel this pain I am feeling. I don’t wish that anymore. The reason is because I know you can’t handle it. You’re a fucking weak ass bitch. A pussy, if you will. You don’t know how to deal with things without lashing out like a psychotic person.

I don’t wish this on you anymore. Wishing it won’t make me feel better and it actually happening won’t make me feel better. I need to be a better person and just wish you the best, as much as that makes me sick to say.

I wish you happiness because maybe then one day you won’t leave chaos and destruction everywhere you go. You won’t destroy everything you touch. I hope that one day you find someone who would’ve given you everything like I would’ve. Most of all, I hope that you think of me everyday. I hope that you realize how much you fucked up. I hope that you never think of contacting me again because you know it would only hurt me more. I hope that you one day realize how wonderful of a woman, human being, lover, friend, confidant, and badass that I really am.

I hope that one day we can both look back on the times we had and smile. I know that won’t be soon for me, but I hope it happens in the future because I refuse to let you fuck up the rest of my life. I will forever regret it, but I know I can move on from it one day.

I have hope. Hope for life. Hope for love. Hope for knowing that I will be happy again one day, and I will NOT let YOU ever take that away from me again.

I truly wish you all the best.

XO Vanessa

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YOU SCREAM, I SCREAM, AND BASICALLY I JUST SCREAM SOME MORE

Here I am at 1:45 am binge watching “Sex and the City” again on my basic cable. Today was a shitty one for me, hence why I am up watching episodes I’ve seen 588873 times while scarfing down Halo Top red velvet ice-cream (which HIGHLY recommend).

Things started to get worse at 5 pm when I turned it to WE channel and “The Notebook” was starting.  I used to be able to get to the part where Noah tells Allie “…it wasn’t over. It still isn’t over!” before I start losing all control of my emotions. I don’t think I made it three minutes in this time. The feelings I have been trying to bury just came out like vomit and wouldn’t fucking stop. So, since then I have been in a state of numbness with moments of physical pain.  Depression sounds like a blast, doesn’t it?

This year will make three years that AFJF came back into my life. Three years already. Yes, he is back to AFJF, because his real name makes me want to claw my own eyes out and chop my ears off. I haven’ talked to him since the night before the Christmas party and I know I should be super thankful for that. But, we all know I am not normal so of course I hope to look at my phone and see that he texted me. Sickening. I know there is a saying that goes something like “time heals all wounds”, but I feel like time is only opening the wound even more. I really don’t feel like ruining what is left of my night/morning, so I will just have to put him in the back of my mind.

I have been casually seeing someone. No sex yet. Just innocent dates and kisses. I have no complaints. I can’t find one thing wrong with him. It is all me. I am too wounded to move on right now. I told this guy about my issues. Well, not the full extent of it. I don’t even have a nickname for him yet, because it just doesn’t seem worth it to me anymore. All I am going to do is push him away like I do to every other non fucked up male and go find some emotionally unavailable fuck boy to fuck.

Speaking of, I haven’t had sex since beginning of December and it is starting to get on my fucking nerves. I really just miss the old Vanessa. I am hoping the bad bitch, sex freak I know will make an appearance soon.

Now that I am finished with my red velvet, I think I might move on to chocolate covered banana. All puns intended with that one. But for real, I can’t wait to try that flavor.

XO Vanessa

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JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY…TO HELL

So I am sitting here debating throwing my phone into the swamp. I am not fucking kidding. John messaged me. WHY? To torment me? I do not understand his thought process. He is seriously the biggest jerk I have ever encountered in my life. He is making me physically sick. I knew it was a big mistake to contact him for his birthday. He is one of those that deflects all his shit onto someone else. Can’t take responsibility. It is like talking to a child; a big fucking man child. I really don’t think I could live with myself if I ever treated anyone the way he does me. I have a tough time turning someone down for a date; I couldn’t imagine fucking with someone’s head. He just keeps going on and on like the hurtful things he say will make me laugh. I am so sorry I don’t find fucking with my life funny. I wonder if he realizes he caused most of my insecurities, the main one being that I am not good enough for anyone. My self esteem is shot. I cry every night. I feel ugly. All because of him. Pathetic, right?

Anyway…

I am definitely realizing I do not like NAMB more than just a friend/fuck. He really is one of my best friends though. Not sure where I would be without him. He is slowly building my confidence back. VERY SLOWLY. We had a great discussion about what our boundaries are and it is no refreshing to have someone to fuck that actually communicates.

Now on to Romeo. Y’all. I legit fucking can’t deal with him. Over the summer he asks me to be his girlfriend, then acted like he never asked. So we had a long talk one night about OUR boundaries, because I went off on him and he didn’t like it. So we decided to be best friends forever. Great, right? Yea, thats what I thought too. So I decided to invite him to our company Christmas party because he is always fun. The party is tomorrow and I am now dateless because I uninvited him 🙂

I am all for us being friends, but if he is going to whore around, I don’t want to be caught up in it and have people think we are fucking. Nah. Plus I am salty as fuck that he brought some old hag to a Christmas party instead of me. The party was actually at a friend’s sister’s house. Someone that I know well. So why not invite me?! The only reason I found out about it is because some of my girlfriends were at a bar one night that he was at with his hag. She was all over him. I am not going to be associated with that.

I am just so lost as to why he didn’t invite me to the party. Not long before that he was telling me how much fun he has with me, I get along with everyone, blah blah. So why sleep on me? About to put him in the category with John since he is making me feel like there is something wrong with me.

I am just going to leave it at that for the night. I am tired…mentally and physically.

 

XO Vanessa

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I’M ON THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS…WITH MYSELF

Guess who contacted me not even 24 hours after I hit publish on that post. Well, clearly it wasn’t Real because he is six feet under, literally. Yes, it was AFJF. Ya’ll, I never knew I could feel so many emotions at one time– anger, sadness, disappointment, rage, frustration, hurt, confused, nauseated (which I know isn’t an emotion), reminiscent.

Why does he do this to me? Most importantly, why do I let him? Do I hate him for everything he put me through? Yes. Do I wish he would spontaneously combust? Yes. But at the same time I want things to be how they were when they were good. Sick isn’t it? I talk all this shit about moving on and fuck him blah blah, but clearly there is still something there in my heart.

And I know I need to let it go. Not bury it or try to forget it. But LET IT GO. I can’t keep living my life so angrily. I can’t keep feeling disappointment in someone who will never see that he was wrong. All that does is tear me up more inside. He will never be the person I thought he was or wanted him to be. It is so hard for me to admit that I was wrong to think he was different. I want to be that woman that is strong, independent, and not hung up on stupid men. I have two out of three going for me.

While on the phone he could tell I was angry. I don’t talk to him in a nice manner. I get aggravated at any word he says. He said he knows he fucked up and he’s sorry. Yea sure. But are you sorry for continuing to contact me and make me feel like I was nothing? Yea, didn’t get a response on that.

He told me we needed to talk in person. Am I stupid to go through with it? My answer to that is yes. But I am going to do it anyway. I have a gift for making people feel like shit when they see me cry, so I know the water works will happen when we meet. I can’t help it though. I cried on the phone because he just hurt me to the core. I don’t think I will ever be over it fully. There will always be that one piece of me that is completely fucked up, but I know I can’t keep feeling sorry for myself.

He asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him no and he asked me why not. Ummm, was I going to tell him because I can’t give my heart to anyone because of what he did? That I can’t trust anyone’s intentions because of what he did? That thinking of being with anyone else makes me physically sick? Yea, no. I told him it’s because I’m happy being alone. If he can lie to me, I have the right to lie to him. He doesn’t deserve shit from me.

I hate being this way. I hate being the jaded bitch who wants to cause bodily harm to someone. I just don’t know what to do anymore to get to a semi-normal life.

It is time for me right now to say “FUCK LOVE”. Not forever, but just until I can get my shit together. The only love I want to feel right now is for myself, and I can just feel that slipping away.

I guess AFJF contacted me for a reason. Maybe a sign from God. I don’t know. My thoughts are still all fucked up and I am about to be fucked up myself after I open this bottle of wine.

I sincerely pray that wherever AFJF is tonight, that he is feeling all fucked up inside the same way I am. I hope he has to take his Ambien to sleep at night like I do. I hope he wakes up sweating from the night terrors.

Wherever you are tonight AFJF, I hope your demons haunt the fuck out of you.

FUCK YOU, with love…

XO VanessaOK

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