I am one of those suckers. For those of us who still believe in love, I pray for us all. So I’ve been MIA again. Depression can be a cunt. So around Christmas time I met a guy we will call Mr. Electric since he is an electrician. We clicked right away. He would snap, text, call me a lot. I thought we had something going. He even admitted his feelings in a text. So on the night I finally decide to have sex with him, I got my heart broken. First off, I did it against my better judgment, but he was so attractive I didn’t care. Second, I should’ve followed that judgment because his tool was smaller than my pinky. He lasted maybe four seconds, and that is me being lenient. Third, whenever I started talking about feelings, he shut down and basically told me to leave. WOW! If that doesn’t send someone into a depression, I don’t know what will. Bad sex and rejection…excuse me while I go fix a fucking drink to drown my sorrows in.
So, let’s talk about depression. For some reason, this got me to spiral bad. I didn’t want to live. I was sick of rejection, I was sick of caring about people. That night I took a shower in the dark and cried myself to sleep. The next time I took a variety of pills and went out to drink (which in no way do I condone. I know what I did was reckless.) I had to go to my sister’s house to give her my gun, because that is how tired I was of living. I’m doing better since I started therapy last week, but I still have my moments, like tonight.
This is where I segue into the other guy with the same exact real name as Mr. Electrician. We will call him Daddy Warbucks (Daddy for short because I am not typing all that shit out) because he is bald, has money, and is intimidating. I’ve known him on social media for over four years due to tinder. UGH. Anyway, we finally decided to meet. We met a few days after Christmas. I met him in a city in the middle of where we both live. When I tell you it was an amazing night, I am not lying. After my nerves settled, I realized what a gentleman this guy was. There was never a dull moment during our date, which was at the finest restaurant, with the finest food and wine. We ended up going back to his hotel room and just slept. He woke me up with oral. I guess he was hungry. He didn’t expect anything in return which was refreshing since I had bad cotton mouth. He just help me all night and morning in his big ass arms. It was great. The next day he told me we should do it again. I agreed. Guess who didn’t do it again?
Tonight we were supposed to go out, but I go stood up and I have a feeling I know why. Saturday I asked him what we were doing so I know how invested to get and I expressed that eventually I want a long term relationship. I am almost 30. I want to settle down. I want to share my life with someone. Obviously that freaked him out. I haven’t heard from him since. I am literally so tired and sick of men acting like children. Just tell me the truth, whatever it may be. I can handle that better than I can someone ignoring me. All evening I have been feeling so worthless. Why should I feel that way when I know what I have to offer? Why don’t these men feel worthless for treating someone like me with little to no respect?
I don’t go out looking for these men. They find me. They approach me. They ask me out. When shit gets real they run. If you have no intentions of being in someone’s life, don’t fucking start something with them. Don’t treat them like they matter only to fuck them over a few weeks later.
Anyway, I just wanted to check in with everyone and say I am doing lots better with my depression and maybe love is only for a select few in the world. I am certain I am not one of those few. My biggest fear is ending up like Miranda Hobbes in that episode of SATC where she chokes and she is all alone because she chooses not to be in a relationship. What if I choke and no one is there to save me? There’s only a certain number of times I can save myself…