I NEED A TALL DRINK OF WATER…OR TEQUILA

I have been pretty MIA and I am not really sure why. This is a great outlet for me to vent considering I haven’t seen my therapist in 9 months. Yep! I started seeing a therapist. After my last post I was very suicidal and destructive. I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. Things were going great with that for a while quite honestly. I got a new job in September so that had put a halt on my sessions. It’s really hard not to go back to that dark place whenever Im just so unhappy. Tonight isn’t a good night for me so I decided to open up the old MacBook Pro and see what could come of this.

Let’s backtrack to November so you can understand why I am where I am now.

So mid November a guy that I knew messaged me on Facebook. This was a guy I actually didn’t like because whenever I was with Robocop, he was being shady and trying to get with me. It was just disrespectful. I liked the attention though. Cannot lie about that. Anyway, he asked if he could take me to dinner soon. I was like wow. Someone is asking me on an actual DATE? I haven’t been on a date since December 2018! I was ecstatic. I agreed with a quickness. I gave him my number so we could discuss further. So again, this guy has been telling me for over 10 years I was his dream girl, blah blah. It was the night of Thanksgiving and we still hadn’t gone on an official date, but ended up at the bar together. I ended up giving him amazing head because I cannot contain myself when it comes to that. Literally the next day he is messaging other females. LAWD. Here we go. So we discussed how that made me felt, and that if he wanted to me with me and work on this, he had to stop his shady ways. Well for a good two weeks, he was at my house. Slept over every night. A week or so before Christmas he started acting shady again. He was tagging random females in his Facebook posts, not talking to me at all throughout the day, not coming over. So I told him to come get his shit and leave and that I am not dealing with that. So that is what he did. A few weeks go by and he tells me that he never deserved me and that I was too good for him. At this point sir, you are correct. There were more things that happened in this situation, but just know he was toxic and I didn’t deserve that nonsense.

Let’s backtrack again to October. So I had tinder at this point and this guy who we will call TaDOW—Tall Drink of Water–HAHA. The man is like 6’2. Anyway, TaDOW would randomly send dick pics on snapchat…unwarranted! I repeatedly asked him to stop and he finally did. Something in my should just kept me from blocking him. I swear, from October until March, he would snap me every day asking for selfies and asking to date. He was obviously being a smarts but it worked for him. SOOOO, in March I finally gave him my number. I was drunk so I could blame it on that if we didn’t converse well. We hit it off great so again, my little hopes got up. SO PERKY. We talked from March 14th until beginning of May without meeting. It was such a non pressure situation. Until he came home this past Thursday and wanted me to come over. My heart sank into my ass. Now I have to be me. There is no escaping the awkwardness that is Vanessa when she meets someone she likes. It is fucking embarrassing. I left work, came home to bathe and shave my legs. Didn’t have to worry about shaving my kitty because I had literally just started my period that morning. So penetration was happening that night. So I start my 1 hour and 20 minute trek to his house. NERVOUS AS FUCK. What if he doesn’t like me? What if I am too fat for him? What if my breath is horrid? What if I’m to ghetto for him? I pull into his neighborhood and immediately feel even worse. THIS IS A CLASSY ASS HOOD! My Camry didn’t belong. So I finally make it into his driveway and he tells me he is coming. He had to get dressed because he just got out the shower. Umm sir? You had over an hour to do this, but okay. He walks out and my heart stops. This man is fucking beautiful. No picture could’ve ever prepared me for what was standing in front of me. I just sat there mesmerized and he gave me a look like “are you coming or not?”. I had him help me with my overnight bag, because I am psychotic and pack for 3 nights when I’m only spending one night. Walk into his house and I just feel, not like myself. I felt self conscious. I felt not good enough. I felt like I needed to go home to my little house and get under the covers and cry. I don’t know if he could sense that, but he asked if I wanted a beer and I nearly yanked his hand off to get it.

After watching a rather boring movie and a few great kisses later, we made our way to his room. There, I took my clothes off that I had on and slipped into some undies and a t shirt to get comfortable. He likes my ass so I made to sure to bring underwear that accentuated that. I start rubbing his back for him because he previously worked 31 days in a row offshore. He deserved it. He appreciated it. We laid for a bit then I moved my hand to his dick. My vagina might not work, but my mouth does. So I started going down on him. I have a sense that he likes to be the dominate in bed and that is fine sometimes. I can roll with it. When he kept forcing my head down to lick his taint, I did because that is actually one of my favorite things to do. He has a nice size package. No complaints in that department really. And he keeps is shaved. AMEN. So he ends up coming, and naturally I swallow it. I go brush my teeth because I know some men can be weird about kissing a woman after that. No lie, after all that went down, it was like a shift.

He faced the end of the bed, so I just rubbed his back. He fell asleep that way. Now, in all our texts while he was working he stated how bad he wants to sleep next to me and cuddle. There was ZERO cuddling that night. And I didn’t sleep. A WINK. Every negative thought went through my head. Does he not like what he sees? Am I ugly? Is he just too tired? This is only his second night in his bed after 31 days. Am I too fat? This went on until four am. I managed to get an hour or so of sleep. I finally woke up and there he was. Still on the other side of the bed. I wanted to be in his nook where I was at night for like five seconds while watching a movie. We had meshed so perfectly. So I went to curl up next to him but he had made what seemed like a fortress with the blanket. ALRIGHT THEN. He finally wakes up and just puts his arm across my chest. So naturally I started scratching it with my nails. That is just engrained in me at this point in my life. See a free arm, scratch it. Anyway, he then grabs me and starts spooning for like 2 minutes. He then tells me he has to go get his son. I didn’t plan on staying there that long because I had to come home to let my dog out, but damn. Was he kicking me out? I literally got ready in 2 minutes. That includes brushing my teeth and braiding my hair.

So I get all my stuff together and he is still in bed. Im waiting for him to walk me out but he isn’t moving. So I got the hint. I asked I’m if I could see him again before he goes back to work and he said definitely. Okay?! Did he fucking mean that?? The signals here were so crossed me for I know my face had to look fucked up. So I let myself out…which saddened me. He didn’t thank me for coming, he didn’t thank me for driving over an hour to see him, he didn’t even talk me to the door. He gave me a half ass hug from the bed and a kiss. I got in my old car and left. The whole drive home I was quiet. So many bullshit thoughts in my head.

Looking at my phone hoping for a text. Nothing. I finally get him and let him know I made it. Still nothing. I decided to take a nap since I didn’t get any sleep. I slept from 10am until 4pm. Still nothing. I chalked it up to him being with his son. I can be understanding! So the next day I still hadn’t heard from him. I decided to just tell him to have a great day. He responded and it was a short conversation. Didn’t help my nerves on the situation at all. Today I talked to him briefly. So this is where I am. A MESS. A disgusting mess.

All I can think of, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I find someone that likes me? Why am I not good enough? If he isn’t in to me he needs to tell me and not just ignore me or make me feel like an ass. I did express that to him in the beginning of all this. I will respect the fuck out of someone for being honest!

But today I sent him a pic and told him I don’t always look raggedy (which I did look a little rough meeting him) and that I probably didn’t make a great first impression because I was nervous because I liked him a lot. His response was “you’re cute”.

That wasn’t what I was looking for. At this point, I can’t say I don’t know what I am looking for because I do.

I want someone that believes in love as hard as I do. I want someone that wants to be romantic with me and never stop. I want someone to look at me every day and realize what they have. I want to be able to trust my man when we aren’t together. I want to feel wanted. I want someone to randomly surprise me with flowers or candy just because.

I never had those things. I truly believe they do exist. Romance isn’t dead. Love isn’t dead. Maybe just my effort into finding these things has died. I don’t want to settle, but I also don’t want to be alone. The older I get, the more I realize I want someone in my life. I look at my family and realize how happy they all are, and I’m just the fifth wheel. It’s tough to be single when you are 30+.

I will never force a relationship, but FUCK!!! I am so sick of being let down and heart broken. I don’t go out looking for these people. They find me. They wear me down until I finally fall, and we all know I fucking fall hard, then just leave me hanging.

So right now, I have no idea what is going on with me and this guy. The more I think about him the more I like him. He is good on paper. Tall, in shape, great job, an older son, no baby mama drama, a nice house, crazy FUNNY, easy going, laughs at my corny jokes, would always tell me I am beautiful. But I haven’t gotten any of that since we met. Am I looking to much into this? Is he truly spending all that time with his son he can’t pick up the phone to tell me he is thinking of me? Is he not wanting selfies (that he constantly asked for) because he doesn’t have time to ask? My answer to all of these is NO and it is heartbreaking. I haven’t lashed out on him because he doesn’t deserve that, but I am literally over here pulling my hair out. WHAT ARE WE DOING?! I don’t have time for these games.

I have wasted so much of my time on men, I don’t want to do it anymore. I CAN’T do it anymore. I am mentally, physically, emotionally drained. If this doesn’t work out I vow that I am not dating or entertaining a man until the year 2021.

I am going to give this guy a little more time before I decided to right him off, but I just know in my heart that he has probably already done that.

 

XO Vanessa

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YOU SCREAM, I SCREAM, AND BASICALLY I JUST SCREAM SOME MORE

Here I am at 1:45 am binge watching “Sex and the City” again on my basic cable. Today was a shitty one for me, hence why I am up watching episodes I’ve seen 588873 times while scarfing down Halo Top red velvet ice-cream (which HIGHLY recommend).

Things started to get worse at 5 pm when I turned it to WE channel and “The Notebook” was starting.  I used to be able to get to the part where Noah tells Allie “…it wasn’t over. It still isn’t over!” before I start losing all control of my emotions. I don’t think I made it three minutes in this time. The feelings I have been trying to bury just came out like vomit and wouldn’t fucking stop. So, since then I have been in a state of numbness with moments of physical pain.  Depression sounds like a blast, doesn’t it?

This year will make three years that AFJF came back into my life. Three years already. Yes, he is back to AFJF, because his real name makes me want to claw my own eyes out and chop my ears off. I haven’ talked to him since the night before the Christmas party and I know I should be super thankful for that. But, we all know I am not normal so of course I hope to look at my phone and see that he texted me. Sickening. I know there is a saying that goes something like “time heals all wounds”, but I feel like time is only opening the wound even more. I really don’t feel like ruining what is left of my night/morning, so I will just have to put him in the back of my mind.

I have been casually seeing someone. No sex yet. Just innocent dates and kisses. I have no complaints. I can’t find one thing wrong with him. It is all me. I am too wounded to move on right now. I told this guy about my issues. Well, not the full extent of it. I don’t even have a nickname for him yet, because it just doesn’t seem worth it to me anymore. All I am going to do is push him away like I do to every other non fucked up male and go find some emotionally unavailable fuck boy to fuck.

Speaking of, I haven’t had sex since beginning of December and it is starting to get on my fucking nerves. I really just miss the old Vanessa. I am hoping the bad bitch, sex freak I know will make an appearance soon.

Now that I am finished with my red velvet, I think I might move on to chocolate covered banana. All puns intended with that one. But for real, I can’t wait to try that flavor.

XO Vanessa

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I’M ON THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS…WITH MYSELF

Guess who contacted me not even 24 hours after I hit publish on that post. Well, clearly it wasn’t Real because he is six feet under, literally. Yes, it was AFJF. Ya’ll, I never knew I could feel so many emotions at one time– anger, sadness, disappointment, rage, frustration, hurt, confused, nauseated (which I know isn’t an emotion), reminiscent.

Why does he do this to me? Most importantly, why do I let him? Do I hate him for everything he put me through? Yes. Do I wish he would spontaneously combust? Yes. But at the same time I want things to be how they were when they were good. Sick isn’t it? I talk all this shit about moving on and fuck him blah blah, but clearly there is still something there in my heart.

And I know I need to let it go. Not bury it or try to forget it. But LET IT GO. I can’t keep living my life so angrily. I can’t keep feeling disappointment in someone who will never see that he was wrong. All that does is tear me up more inside. He will never be the person I thought he was or wanted him to be. It is so hard for me to admit that I was wrong to think he was different. I want to be that woman that is strong, independent, and not hung up on stupid men. I have two out of three going for me.

While on the phone he could tell I was angry. I don’t talk to him in a nice manner. I get aggravated at any word he says. He said he knows he fucked up and he’s sorry. Yea sure. But are you sorry for continuing to contact me and make me feel like I was nothing? Yea, didn’t get a response on that.

He told me we needed to talk in person. Am I stupid to go through with it? My answer to that is yes. But I am going to do it anyway. I have a gift for making people feel like shit when they see me cry, so I know the water works will happen when we meet. I can’t help it though. I cried on the phone because he just hurt me to the core. I don’t think I will ever be over it fully. There will always be that one piece of me that is completely fucked up, but I know I can’t keep feeling sorry for myself.

He asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him no and he asked me why not. Ummm, was I going to tell him because I can’t give my heart to anyone because of what he did? That I can’t trust anyone’s intentions because of what he did? That thinking of being with anyone else makes me physically sick? Yea, no. I told him it’s because I’m happy being alone. If he can lie to me, I have the right to lie to him. He doesn’t deserve shit from me.

I hate being this way. I hate being the jaded bitch who wants to cause bodily harm to someone. I just don’t know what to do anymore to get to a semi-normal life.

It is time for me right now to say “FUCK LOVE”. Not forever, but just until I can get my shit together. The only love I want to feel right now is for myself, and I can just feel that slipping away.

I guess AFJF contacted me for a reason. Maybe a sign from God. I don’t know. My thoughts are still all fucked up and I am about to be fucked up myself after I open this bottle of wine.

I sincerely pray that wherever AFJF is tonight, that he is feeling all fucked up inside the same way I am. I hope he has to take his Ambien to sleep at night like I do. I hope he wakes up sweating from the night terrors.

Wherever you are tonight AFJF, I hope your demons haunt the fuck out of you.

FUCK YOU, with love…

XO VanessaOK

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FRUSTRATED…SEXUALLY

I have been so frustrated the past two days. Romeo is distant and it isn’t because he doesn’t want to be with me. I guess I should’ve known what I was getting myself into when I started seeing a man with active kids. I can’t fault him for a being a great dad and attending all of their functions. It actually makes my heart smile that he does that. I am being selfish by being frustrated. So I told myself to get over it.

He still talks to me every day. So I can’t complain. What I can complain about is that I keep sending him sexy messages and he responds something sexy back knowing damn well he is too busy to fuck. KILLING ME! If I would see him right now, I would jump him. Even in public. I’d take that charge. That is how good his dick is. 😉

No plans for this weekend except laying low. Been going out way too much. Neglecting my body and health. So catching up on my rest this weekend and giving my liver a break. 

If something pops up (hopefully Romeo’s dick) I will keep ya’ll updated for sure!!!

XO Vanessa

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YES SIR

I hope you all had a great weekend! I definitely did.

I had plans to go to New Orleans, but that didn’t happen. That rain was horrible and I need new tires so that was a no-go. I’m not even upset.

A few weeks ago I got a new match on Tinder. He gave me his number and all that jazz. Nothing special really. Well Thursday he messaged me out of the blue and we haven’t stopped since. Friday night was when I realized I really liked this man.

He is older (of course) has two kids, a nice job, FUNNY, and lives about an hour and a half away. VERY happy to meet someone outside of this small town.

So we have set a date to meet this weekend coming up. To say I am nervous is an understatement. Why am I so nervous? Because for the first time since April I haven’t thought of Romeo. I don’t know if it is because of the SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN or if it is because I know that I deserve better. Either way, it is a relief not to be worried about him. Sure, he is somewhere in the back of my head. Just happy he isn’t front and center. He doesn’t deserve that from me.In fact, he doesn’t deserve me at all. I will not wait my whole life for someone to figure out what they want and use me in the process.

Yes, his sex is AHHHH- MAZING! But there is more to me than just sex. I’m a deep, sensitive, emotional person. I need someone in my life that isn’t afraid of that.

I am trying not to get my hopes up about this new guy, but it is hard not to. He is charming, manly, sexy, funny, and the best part— completely focused on me. I haven’t had that in a long time. I don’t know how to act. I don’t want to ruin it! Usually I am on top of my game and like a prowess, but he makes me melt. Have I finally met my match? But what if he is trolling me? Can someone be that cruel? We actually have a friend in common on Facebook, my best friend Katherine (which is really weird). She hasn’t said anything negative and she has my best interest at heart so I know she would tell me if he was a troll or not. I guess we will see when I finally meet him Saturday.

Things are going great so far though. He even called to wake me up this morning. Ummm his voice is incredibly sexy.

I was racking my brain for a good name for him all weekend. It just hit me earlier. As weird as it sounds, I been calling him Sir. No I don’t have any crazy fantasies or daddy issues. I called him that once and it stuck. He is very authoritative though. NOT in a bad way but in a sexy, manly way. I like a man that makes decisions, is respected by others, and knows what he wants out of life and doesn’t settle for less.

I will keep ya’ll updated all week on our convos and such. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

FYI- masturbation is a lot more fun whenever you have someone talking sexy to you.

XO Vanessa

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DID YOU JUST PULL OUT YOUR PENIS?!

So, I met this kid (Mama’s Boy) through Facebook. He sent me a request, I accepted, he messaged me, I turned him down. This went on for a few days until one Friday I was just so depressed I needed to get out the house. I messaged him and we decided to hit a downtown shin dig (where bands play, alcohol is served, and all the tri-city skanks come out).He picks me up in his douche-bag truck (a fonky dodge) and we go downtown. This kid is a few months younger than me but claiming to be a man….RIGHT!

We get downtown and who do I see? Robocop. UGH!!! Fuck my life! He is with some old hag. So of course, I knock a few Budweisers back. Since it is so bloody hot in this god awful town, we decided to go into a bar. Took shots, drank some more beers, I pulled out my knife (yea, I have a Spyderco knife that is badass. I call it my throat cutter). Anyway, we decide we want to go to a bar on the other side of town. As me and Mama’s Boy are walking to his truck, he starts talking about sex. Like, how great he is in bed and how big his dick is and how many girls he slept with. What?! Really? Okay, well… I’m drunk so maybe he is too. No one can be that stuck on themselves. So we get in his truck and I look his way and he is sitting there…with his dick out…and he is just holding it. 

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?! 

I cover my eyes and tell him to pick it up. You would think that would’ve been a red flag for me. So we go to the next bar and all hell breaks loose. Long story short, two men walk in to the ladies bathroom when I’m in it, I call them out, one calls me a bitch, I charge at him and the police were called. The whole time this is happening Mama’s Boy is just sitting in a corner. Come on bro. Aren’t you a real man? Help me out!!!!

So I get kicked out for defending myself. 

The next day Mama’s Boy tells me he really likes me (after that fiasco? what?). So I said cool, let’s just take things slow.

Apparently Mama’s Boy needed a dictionary to look up the word ‘slow’ because he surely didn’t grasp that concept.

XO Vanessa 

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