So, here we are. Friday night. 11pm. In bed alone watching Pretty Woman and listening to the swamp creatures have a party outside my fucking window. Bugs in the south are little shits. Anyway, I’m 28 and alone. All alone…and I done it to myself. The past few months have been some horrid ones. My memories and night terrors are getting the best of me. My mind is such a cluster fuck, I have no idea where to start for you guys. I guess we can start at last July and AFJF.
End of July I realized my depression was getting out of hand so I decided to take a visit to my doctor. I’ve been on meds ever since and I can tell a drastic difference. I mean, clearly I still have my shitty moments. Like right now. So that is when I decided AFJF needed to give me an explanation of WHY he turned out to be such a big disappointment. FOR REAL THIS TIME! I know he finally told me he hurt me, but why???!!
I have no idea why I ever thought he would be man enough to admit shit. So that was that…for then.
Around late August I came into contact with a guy that I curved while I was messing around with OBM. Let’s call this one Sex and Candy. SNC for short. He has that Maroon 5 vibe going on. We went out to a bar to chat and get to know each other then went back to his place. Yes, we had sex. I wouldn’t be writing this post if we hadn’t. I know I say this a lot, but the sex with this kid was ahhhmazing. Anywho, I left his place the next morning and we texted back and forth that day. The next day I hadn’t heard from him. WTF. So I was not about to be that clingy girl, and i just let it fucking go.
A week or so after that incident I decided to let Romeo back into my life. Can any of you tell me why? I am still trying to figure this out myself a fucking year later. So we go out with some friends. Mind you, HE asked ME to go out with him and another couple. So here I am thinking that it is like a double date type of thing. Cool. We get to the bar and a few drinks in I find myself sitting alone at the bar. Ummm Wherefore art thou Romeo? Rome-ho was busy chatting up the bartender and taking pics of her ass. To say I lost my shit is putting it lightly. Two years worth of frustration came out my body like a fucking exorcism. My God. I can’t tell you how embarrassed I am to this day about the incident. Anyway, we get in a huge argument and I leave. Which wasn’t an easy task because I didn’t have my car and we were about three towns away from home. Even in my drunken state I had some common sense. I decided getting in a vehicle with him would’ve resulted in a physical altercation. That is how much I hated him at that moment. So a dear friend came and got me and I blocked Rome-ho once again.
Cut to a few weeks later and I get a text from SNC. Da fuck? Where had he been? I play it off casually, but inside I was fuming. I really need to work on my temper guys. Lawd. Anyway, SNC had been offshore and didn’t have cell service. Which was odd to me since AFJF is a diver and would text me 4098390 miles under water. So I got sucked in once again into some shitty ass situationship. This time for NINE fucking months, y’all! NINE! The whole time I had to hear how he didn’t want a relationship, he was hurt from his past. The same shit I say to men. LOL. I just went with it. I realized I needed to end things because I was catching them feelings, y’all. Oh did I also mention that I asked him if he was fucking anyone else and he lied? Yea that happened. I am notorious for stalking people on social media. It wasn’t even him I was stalking though. I was snooping around some skanks IG page and I notice a familiar looking porch. I know the porch because I tripped on the shit numerous times. Ummm? So you aren’t entertaining anyone else but this disgusting skank is at your house? Please go lie somewhere else.
It was around the end of March that I ended things PHYSICALLY. He got a little salty about it and I’m not sure why. I guess because I blew up his game? That is most likely the case. Around this time I decided I needed to mend things with Romeo. I unblocked him and he asked me out on a proper date. It was rather nice. I didn’t expect anything to come from it. We will get to more of that later.
So, during March, April, May and part of June I had SNC sending me dick pics saying he missed me. I have to admit, he has a very pretty dick! Like, gorgeous. Model material. But after his lies, I was over it. I wasn’t turned on. I didn’t want to fuck. I still don’t want to fuck. Again, more on this later. So finally he got the hint and stopped contacting me. I shit you not guys, not even a week later he was posting this blonde girl saying she was his baby and he missed her blah blah. Fucking slap in the face with the gorgeous dick. He tells me he doesn’t want shit and he’s scared and now he’s in a relationship?… I am still at a loss for words. I can’t tell you how shitty that makes a person feel. At least when I say it, I fucking mean it. And the girl lives in Texas. So clearly he was on some type of dating/hookup app to have found this Great Value brand Barbie. I was just astonished. In those instances, y’all know I would lose my shit and tell him about himself. I didn’t. Because that is how OVER I am with shit.
Around Father’s Day I received a text from AFJF. He found some underwear he took from me and asked if I wanted them back. Dude *insert fucking eye roll* STOP reaching. That’s like asking if I want my bobby pins back. The fuck with that shit. I was very dry with him about it all and I haven’t heard from him since. To say I’m still hurt, isn’t even accurate. BROKEN is a more accurate description. He made me believe he was something to be proud of, but turned out to be the biggest disappointment I have ever endured. I know deep down it’s a good thing he hasn’t contacted me since. But there are mornings I wake up wishing to see his initials pop up in a text. We will get back to him in a bit.
I know, I know. I told you guys my mind is a cluster fuck. Sad part is I am not drinking while typing this. I hope everyone reading is though. May be the only way to understand my jumbled up shit.
So fast forward to mid July. I had been getting A LOOOTTTTT of texts from Romeo. I found it odd. He hadn’t initiated convos with me like that in a long time. I missed it. So I went along with it. He was being sweet, kind, not his usual self. One night at work, I get a text from him telling me to call him when I got off. OKAY? This had my stomach in knots, but I called him anyway. We had about an hour conversation with me stunned in silence for about three hours after we hung up. Romeo asked me to be in a committed relationship with him. WHAT THE FUCK? He told me to take all the time I needed to think about it and decide what I wanted to do. So many thoughts had run through my mind. What if we do actually do this and things end up bad? There would be no way to go back to a normal friendship like we had been having. But on the other hand, nothing about us is normal, so I have no idea why I said that. Even not friends, we are still dysfunctional as the fuck. So I thought about it. Brace yourselves…
I decided to go through with it. I told him I wanted to talk to him in person about it so we ended up meeting about a week later because both of our schedules are cock suckers.
Does anyone think that things would ever work out for me? If so, you must have not read any other posts on this blog. Romeo had acted like he never asked me to be in a relationship. He kept making jokes deflecting from the situation. At this point, I was too mentally exhausted to throw a fit or show my emotions about it. I drank my margarita, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and hauled ass. I didn’t hear from him for two weeks.
I ended up texting him because he showed up at a bar that my friend was at. I have no idea why people feel the need to tell me what he does, but whatever. He tried to be suave and shit asking me to meet him. I CALMLY lost my shit. Is that even possible? I don’t know, but I did it. I can’t remember exactly what I told him, but I know I ended it with asking him why are we still doing this after three years and telling him he is too old to be playing these games. I didn’t give him a chance to respond. I blocked him. This is what I feared if our relationship had failed. Well fuck me. We didn’t even start a relationship and our friendship already suffered from it.
I have been in an unstable emotional state lately. I’ve been thinking about my past. Not a few years ago, but like ten years ago. When I was a naive high school graduate running around with some dude who was “no good” for me. This guy and AFJF kind merge at that point. Really weird. The two people that fucked me up the most are the two people I was talking to at the same time and still have deep feelings for to this day. What in the actual fuck? HAHA I am not even sure what to call this new (to you) guy I am talking about. He deserves more than a nickname. He deserves for every one to know who he was. Yes, was. The reason he hurt me so much is that he died a few years back whenever I was with Robocop. I couldn’t grieve his death because we all know Robo’s fucked up mentality. Me and, we will call him REAL because that is what he was, Real didn’t end on good terms. We were an “item” for most of my high school years. Very few people knew because his baby mama was nuts and my mom was judgmental as the fuck. We had our ups and downs like most people. Whenever we were having a rough patch is when me and AFJF started talking for a bit. Real didn’t like this and told me to end it. So I did, and AFJF was hurt. How ironic.
We ended our relationship after he got arrested for some petty shit that didn’t involve me, but I just rather not talk about it. My 19th birthday is the last time I had contact with him. When he got out of jail, which I think he was in for a little over a year, he called me. I went see him, we slept together, I spent the night and it was great. The next night is when I met Robocop. So a few days after seeing him, Real contacted me to get together. Robo wasn’t thrilled because he “knew of him” and told me not to speak to him. So I didn’t. He called me and I cut him off and shut him out. For a fucking prick.
One day while in college I was walking to class and I heard someone call my name. I legit had no idea who it was so I kept walking like the bitch that I am. It was him. He was on a job there. The reason I know it was him is because him and Robo had a run in a little bit after that. This has stuck with me for a while what happened next. Real told Robo he loved me and he was going to be with me. This was a few months before he passed.
I know he truly loved me with everything he had. He was my protector. My best friend. The pain in my ass. The reason I am the tough person I am today. Real snuck into my high school graduation and shouted my name when it was my turn to receive my diploma. I snuck him on my senior trip and had the best trip of my life. He always made sure nothing bad would ever happen to me. He beat someone up for me. He made sure his crazy baby mama never touched me. I was his girl. Truly his. I will never be anyone’s girl ever again. I just feel it in my soul. I had pushed him so far into the back of my memories because it is so hard to realize that I will never have this again with him. Even when we were bad, we were good. I never talk about him. I pretended like I never knew him. That none of it ever happened. That he was just a figment of my imagination. It is easier that way. Well, was.
This mother fucker came to me in a dream and that’s that. I can no longer hide him from myself. I have to face the situation and deal with my emotions and my fuck up. I want to blame all these men for hurting me, but I’m only hurting myself by keeping all these emotions pent up. I am to blame for my loneliness. I can’t let go of what was because I never faced it.
I haven’t had sex since March. I’m sick of running around with men who have no fucking regard for anyone else’s feelings but theirs. I’m sure I’ll get drunk one night and fuck someone and start the whole cycle over. But it will be just that. A fuck…
I can’t even say I have a love life anymore. It is non existent. In shambles. A fiasco. I have always been a huge believer in love. I don’t know if I believe that anymore. Maybe there isn’t someone out there for everyone and if there is, they missed their chance like I did with Real.
Maybe some people were born to walk alone. Like drifters…if you don’t get that reference, you’re too young for me bro.
XO Vanessa
