SWIPER NO SWIPING…LEFT OR RIGHT?!

So things did not work out with TaDOW. From this point forward we are calling him bd–BIG DISAPPOINTMENT. I had seriously gotten my hopes up with him. I don’t understand how someone can be so into you then drop off the face of the Earth. bd finally talked to me a couple weeks ago. His excuse for not responding was that I already seemed really mad and he didn’t want to deal with it so he kept ignoring me. All I could do was laugh. I have never in my life had someone be so much of a ballsack toward me. I never sent him anything rude, mean, out of line, or angry for that matter. Asking for a conversation about what is going on is not angry. How about you stop being a little cunt bitch, be a man and talk to me? After getting the run around, zero answers, and just a complete shit conversation, I told him I was going to just move on and leave him alone. Mind you, all this happened on snapchat. Are we in junior high or in our 30’s? I have never been so embarrassed before. Okay okay…maybe I have. But this is up there in the top five for sure.

I kept him on my snap like the petty person I am though. bd will see this GLOW UP! I don’t know what his reasonings were for acting the way he did, but it isn’t my problem anymore. He will send me random messages like he did before we started talking and I just ignore them or say something very smartassy. He did end up saying that my version of events weren’t correct, but I am smart enough to know he was deflecting. He also had the audacity to tell me I wasn’t consistent and when I asked how he ignored me. I honestly hope he finds some sort of happiness. I have to feel sorry for someone that is clearly very unhappy in life. That is the only explanation for him acting shitty towards me when I didn’t do a damn thing.

The one thing I can say I am happy about is the fact we did not have sex. I usually get very attached when I have sex with someone I like. Can ya’ll imagine? I would’ve went off the deep end. I can’t lie and say I’m not sad about the situation. I let it consume me sometimes and I know that is unhealthy. I think about that and then immediately wonder if I will ever be happy with someone or be alone forever.

I recently got Tinder again because I am a glutton for punishment. Of course bd was on there and me being the stupid bitch I am, I swiped right. He did too and that pissed me off even more. You give me the excuse you can’t talk to me because you’re so stressed with work and busy, but you have time to swipe on tinder. Makes sense.

Swiping left and right is old. It brings zero joy to my life. I was fine when I was 24 and had a will to live. I am about to be 31. I am single, drowning in debt, drive an old car, and getting fatter by the day. BUT, I can change all that… and I will. I have no one stopping me but myself.

Anyway, back to Tinder. I have had quite a few matches and they are all so gross. The pick up lines. The desperation. The pushiness. I have unmatched a good bit of them because of their AUDACITY. I make it clear what I am looking for and they still have the nerve to step to me like uncultured fucks. So, I save all of us some time and unmatch. What in this world makes you think I want to send you a picture basically of my uterus when I don’t even know your last name? BYE!

As far as bd, I am not over it. I am hurt. I am upset. I am tired. I know that one day I will get over it. I know I need to start by deleting him from all my social media, but like I said, I want him to see this glow up.

He will come crawling back like five of my exes recently have.

I hope ya’ll are staying safe during COVID and being nice humans toward one another.

This world needs all the love right now.

 

XO Vanessa

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NUEVE DE MAYO

So I guess you all have been wondering where I have been. Okay, no ya’ll haven’t. No one really gives a shit and I totally feel that, because I don’t give a shit about where I been either. Ive been in a fucked up, kind of floating, kind of just existing, type of place. I’ve been eating fabulously though (trying to lose weight), but I think the debacle that was Cinco de Mayo completely FUCKED that up. Anyway, I have no idea where to even start. Give me sec while I go back and see where I left off.

*queue awesome Kenny G elevator music*

Ah yes, the Dear John letter. Blech. Ironically, he is the reason I have been feeling like I hate life more than ever. So in January I started casually seeing this guy. We will call him Petunia. Petunia and I have been friends for probably five years now. Last year he tried hard to take me on a date and I shut it down every time. So in January I contacted him and said fuck it let’s go out. We went on a sushi date and it was amazing. Never a dull moment. This casual shit went on for about three months. Finally in April, I decided to make it official. WHATTT???!!! Yes, I know…shocking. I’ll give you all a moment to collect yourselves. So things were going okay, and it hit me that I do not want to be with this kid. He wants to be together 24/7 and I just want to be left alone most days. So, in my usual fashion, I ended it.

The shitty part is that I used to old cliche “it’s not you, it’s me”. But it’s the fucking truth. It isn’t him. It’s me and my fucked up mentality over AFJF. Yesterday made 3 years exactly that he came back into my life. Three. Fucking sick. How could I let one person fuck me up this bad? Is that normal? I’m going to go with a big no on that last question. Anyway, I was completely honest with Petunia and now he’s all upset. Way to be a man. I could’ve been the biggest bitch and gotten the same reaction, which is what I should’ve done.

Anyway, AFJF completely ruined me. I hate feeling like this. Why would he do this? Why say you love me then completely rip my heart out, step on it, then spit on it? I could never do that someone.

I am fine not being in a relationship. I have always been happy being single. What I am not happy about is the fact I am not in a relationship because someone fucked me up so bad that I’m scarred for life.

So enough crying. I need to just keep it moving and have fun being single like I used to.

Oh hell. I forgot to talk about Cinco de Mayo. So, six large margaritas and a couple beers deep, I somehow got into contact with Robocop. WTF right?!?! HAHA!!! All I remember is yelling at the top of my lungs. I have ZERO idea why we fought. Why do I let tequila fuck me up like that? So of course I had to block Robocop because that is just embarrassing as fuck. I have a feeling I was taking my frustrations about AFJF out on Robocop. And as much as it pains me to say this, Robocop didn’t deserve my bitchiness. Not THIS time.

I feel like I need to get a tattoo or get something pierced. Or some new underwear. Let me think on that…

*queue awesome Kenny G elevator music*

XO Vanessa

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YOU SCREAM, I SCREAM, AND BASICALLY I JUST SCREAM SOME MORE

Here I am at 1:45 am binge watching “Sex and the City” again on my basic cable. Today was a shitty one for me, hence why I am up watching episodes I’ve seen 588873 times while scarfing down Halo Top red velvet ice-cream (which HIGHLY recommend).

Things started to get worse at 5 pm when I turned it to WE channel and “The Notebook” was starting.  I used to be able to get to the part where Noah tells Allie “…it wasn’t over. It still isn’t over!” before I start losing all control of my emotions. I don’t think I made it three minutes in this time. The feelings I have been trying to bury just came out like vomit and wouldn’t fucking stop. So, since then I have been in a state of numbness with moments of physical pain.  Depression sounds like a blast, doesn’t it?

This year will make three years that AFJF came back into my life. Three years already. Yes, he is back to AFJF, because his real name makes me want to claw my own eyes out and chop my ears off. I haven’ talked to him since the night before the Christmas party and I know I should be super thankful for that. But, we all know I am not normal so of course I hope to look at my phone and see that he texted me. Sickening. I know there is a saying that goes something like “time heals all wounds”, but I feel like time is only opening the wound even more. I really don’t feel like ruining what is left of my night/morning, so I will just have to put him in the back of my mind.

I have been casually seeing someone. No sex yet. Just innocent dates and kisses. I have no complaints. I can’t find one thing wrong with him. It is all me. I am too wounded to move on right now. I told this guy about my issues. Well, not the full extent of it. I don’t even have a nickname for him yet, because it just doesn’t seem worth it to me anymore. All I am going to do is push him away like I do to every other non fucked up male and go find some emotionally unavailable fuck boy to fuck.

Speaking of, I haven’t had sex since beginning of December and it is starting to get on my fucking nerves. I really just miss the old Vanessa. I am hoping the bad bitch, sex freak I know will make an appearance soon.

Now that I am finished with my red velvet, I think I might move on to chocolate covered banana. All puns intended with that one. But for real, I can’t wait to try that flavor.

XO Vanessa

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BABY GOT BACK…RUBS

So I get home from work and turn on my Bose speaker and do my nightly routine. Take off makeup, sing, bathe, sing, floss, sing, brush teeth, and sing. I absolutely love music. I always try to identify with every song I listen to…which is a failure. I have an eclectic playlist on my phone ranging from Alanis Morissette to Devin the Dude to ZZ Top. Yea, pretty wide range there, y’all. I was jamming out to “Bed” by J. Holiday. One of my favorite jams from summer 2007. Anyway, not even halfway through singing, it hit me. There is a part that goes… “Now stop, And let me repay you for the week that you’ve been through, Workin’ that nine to five and stayin’ cute like you do…”. So I’m sitting there with mascara and eyeliner smudged all on one eye looking like a maniac when I realized I’ve never had that. I have never had anyone appreciate me and what I do not only for them, but for myself. I always like to show men how much I appreciate them. I treat them like husbands when the fucking dicks ain’t even boyfriends.

Why do I give so much of myself to people? Am I really craving love and attention that bad to the point where I’m throwing myself at someone appreciating every little thing he does? “Oh, you put the toilet seat down? Let me rub your back bae.” “OMG! You took the trash out, someone deserves a blow job tonight!” WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?! I have to stop this fuckery. Putting a FWB, or any guy for that matter, on a pedestal won’t make them love me. It only makes them use me more.

See, I know all this. I really do. I know selling my soul won’t give me what I want, but I don’t know how to be any other way. How do you break YEARS of bad dating and FWB habits? Is there a rehab out there for things like this? For being a doormat? For being a sucker? For caring too much? For pumping other people up? IS THERE??!! What’s the cure for this bullshit? I know there isn’t an actual answer to any of those questions.

And FYI, this woman doesn’t work nine to five. I work nine to eight. 11 hours. 11 long fucking grueling hours of bullshit. So where’s my appreciation, huh? I guess if I want my back rubbed I have to shell out $100 for a masseuse for one hour. *eyeroll*

XO Vanessa

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WHISKEY, XANAX, AND SHAMPOO

I really need to be more consistent with this blog. There is so much going on in my life and I think if I just do this daily, shit weekly, I would feel better. I can only vent so much to my friends with out them thinking I need psychiatric help. Is it odd that I find it easier to vent to strangers? Anyway, I am pretty sure most of you know what road I am about to go down. AFJF road. Which I really think I need to give him a new nickname. Ass Fuck Jerk Face just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I’ll ponder on that while I tell you all what has been going on.

I don’t know why I ever think it is okay to be FWB with a guy. It always leads to heartbreak for me. Which is another road I am going to go down. Let’s go down FWB first, then we will make a sharp right to AFJF road. I hope none of you get car sick, because I am pretty sure this will be a bumpy ass ride. I get car sick….maybe I need to go take a dramamine.

So it had been about six or seven months since I had a friend with benefits. October was an odd month for me and I was really craving male attention, so I contacted someone that I knew from my past. Someone that whenever we were together, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. So it’s kinda funny who it is. It is Mama’s Boy’s best friend HAHAHAHAHA. I legit cannot with myself. Whatever, he’s nice, sexy and tall af. And NOT a mama’s boy 🙂 Let’s call him NAFB… not a fuck boy. So we’ve been FWB for a good while now, and it’s bothering me. Of course I caught feelings. You should all know by now that’s how I operate. And I can’t figure out why I keep catching feelings. There is no way in hell I actually have feelings for all these FWB.  But how can sex with someone not cause feelings? Sex is one of the most intimate things on this earth. I understand one night stands happen, which is completely different. If you keep having sex with the same person over and over for months, what does that mean? I guess I thought I could get a man to actually want a relationship with me if I slept with him for months with no title. WHAT THE FUCK kind of thinking is that? So the more I think about NAFB, the more I find myself not having feelings. I now know that I have to separate sex and feelings and I am trying to do just that.

So let’s take that right to AFJF Road. I keep denying the fact that I still love him and I keep trying to prove to myself that I am over him by sleeping with these men I have no real interest in. I try to say I have feelings for another guy, when in reality, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about AFJF. God, can we get a new name for him now? Give me a sec…hmmmmm…ummmmmm…let’s see……..you know what, I am about to go against everything I stand for in this blog, but I am going to call him by his real name. John. Fucking John. I have to come to terms with typing his name. I really wish I could pin point why I love him so much and why I think he’s the one for me. It makes me even more sad that I can’t. Why am I stuck on this guy who broke my heart? On someone who never had true intentions? I seriously don’t know. All I know is my heart breaks more and more every day, causing me so much emotional and physical pain. This pain is what brings me to force things with my FWB.

I honestly just want someone to love me like I THOUGHT John loved me so I can move on. In the back of my mind I know that’s not how shit works. I feel so lost in that part of my life. I’m 28 going on 29 and had nothing but a bad experience of fucked up relationships. Am I fine being single? Yes. One, because I know I can take care of myself, and two, because it is what’s best for my emotional state right now. It will be almost two years that things ended with John. How am I not anywhere near over this heartbreak? All I can keep hearing in my mind right now is that song “Whiskey Lullaby” by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss. So fucking pathetic.

So, I’m not really sure what I am doing with my life right now. Should I end things with the FWB? Should I keep letting John wreck my emotional state? Should I seek professional help? Should I refill my Xanax rx? Should I go take a shower and wash my hair since I haven’t in three days? I don’t know, and I’m not sure I ever will know…except about that shower. That is an obvious fucking yes.

Oh my heavenly Jesus. Next post I will tell you about the train wreck that is Romeo and I. Mother of God…

 

XO Vanessa

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I’M ON THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS…WITH MYSELF

Guess who contacted me not even 24 hours after I hit publish on that post. Well, clearly it wasn’t Real because he is six feet under, literally. Yes, it was AFJF. Ya’ll, I never knew I could feel so many emotions at one time– anger, sadness, disappointment, rage, frustration, hurt, confused, nauseated (which I know isn’t an emotion), reminiscent.

Why does he do this to me? Most importantly, why do I let him? Do I hate him for everything he put me through? Yes. Do I wish he would spontaneously combust? Yes. But at the same time I want things to be how they were when they were good. Sick isn’t it? I talk all this shit about moving on and fuck him blah blah, but clearly there is still something there in my heart.

And I know I need to let it go. Not bury it or try to forget it. But LET IT GO. I can’t keep living my life so angrily. I can’t keep feeling disappointment in someone who will never see that he was wrong. All that does is tear me up more inside. He will never be the person I thought he was or wanted him to be. It is so hard for me to admit that I was wrong to think he was different. I want to be that woman that is strong, independent, and not hung up on stupid men. I have two out of three going for me.

While on the phone he could tell I was angry. I don’t talk to him in a nice manner. I get aggravated at any word he says. He said he knows he fucked up and he’s sorry. Yea sure. But are you sorry for continuing to contact me and make me feel like I was nothing? Yea, didn’t get a response on that.

He told me we needed to talk in person. Am I stupid to go through with it? My answer to that is yes. But I am going to do it anyway. I have a gift for making people feel like shit when they see me cry, so I know the water works will happen when we meet. I can’t help it though. I cried on the phone because he just hurt me to the core. I don’t think I will ever be over it fully. There will always be that one piece of me that is completely fucked up, but I know I can’t keep feeling sorry for myself.

He asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him no and he asked me why not. Ummm, was I going to tell him because I can’t give my heart to anyone because of what he did? That I can’t trust anyone’s intentions because of what he did? That thinking of being with anyone else makes me physically sick? Yea, no. I told him it’s because I’m happy being alone. If he can lie to me, I have the right to lie to him. He doesn’t deserve shit from me.

I hate being this way. I hate being the jaded bitch who wants to cause bodily harm to someone. I just don’t know what to do anymore to get to a semi-normal life.

It is time for me right now to say “FUCK LOVE”. Not forever, but just until I can get my shit together. The only love I want to feel right now is for myself, and I can just feel that slipping away.

I guess AFJF contacted me for a reason. Maybe a sign from God. I don’t know. My thoughts are still all fucked up and I am about to be fucked up myself after I open this bottle of wine.

I sincerely pray that wherever AFJF is tonight, that he is feeling all fucked up inside the same way I am. I hope he has to take his Ambien to sleep at night like I do. I hope he wakes up sweating from the night terrors.

Wherever you are tonight AFJF, I hope your demons haunt the fuck out of you.

FUCK YOU, with love…

XO VanessaOK

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ALL IN MY FEELINGS

So, here we are. Friday night. 11pm. In bed alone watching Pretty Woman and listening to the swamp creatures have a party outside my fucking window. Bugs in the south are little shits. Anyway, I’m 28 and alone. All alone…and I done it to myself. The past few months have been some horrid ones. My memories and night terrors are getting the best of me. My mind is such a cluster fuck, I have no idea where to start for you guys. I guess we can start at last July and AFJF.

End of July I realized my depression was getting out of hand so I decided to take a visit to my doctor. I’ve been on meds ever since and I can tell a drastic difference. I mean, clearly I still have my shitty moments. Like right now. So that is when I decided AFJF needed to give me an explanation of WHY he turned out to be such a big disappointment. FOR REAL THIS TIME! I know he finally told me he hurt me, but why???!!

I have no idea why I ever thought he would be man enough to admit shit. So that was that…for then.

Around late August I came into contact with a guy that I curved while I was messing around with OBM. Let’s call this one Sex and Candy. SNC for short. He has that Maroon 5 vibe going on. We went out to a bar to chat and get to know each other then went back to his place. Yes, we had sex. I wouldn’t be writing this post if we hadn’t. I know I say this a lot, but the sex with this kid was ahhhmazing. Anywho, I left his place the next morning and we texted back and forth that day. The next day I hadn’t heard from him. WTF. So I was not about to be that clingy girl, and i just let it fucking go.

A week or so after that incident I decided to let Romeo back into my life. Can any of you tell me why? I am still trying to figure this out myself a fucking year later. So we go out with some friends. Mind you, HE asked ME to go out with him and another couple. So here I am thinking that it is like a double date type of thing. Cool. We get to the bar and a few drinks in I find myself sitting alone at the bar. Ummm Wherefore art thou Romeo? Rome-ho was busy chatting up the bartender and taking pics of her ass. To say I lost my shit is putting it lightly. Two years worth of frustration came out my body like a fucking exorcism. My God. I can’t tell you how embarrassed I am to this day about the incident. Anyway, we get in a huge argument and I leave. Which wasn’t an easy task because I didn’t have my car and we were about three towns away from home. Even in my drunken state I had some common sense. I decided getting in a vehicle with him would’ve resulted in a physical altercation. That is how much I hated him at that moment. So a dear friend came and got me and I blocked Rome-ho once again.

Cut to a few weeks later and I get a text from SNC. Da fuck? Where had he been? I play it off casually, but inside I was fuming. I really need to work on my temper guys. Lawd. Anyway, SNC had been offshore and didn’t have cell service. Which was odd to me since AFJF is a diver and would text me 4098390 miles under water. So I got sucked in once again into some shitty ass situationship. This time for NINE fucking months, y’all! NINE! The whole time I had to hear how he didn’t want a relationship, he was hurt from his past. The same shit I say to men. LOL. I just went with it. I realized I needed to end things because I was catching them feelings, y’all. Oh did I also mention that I asked him if he was fucking anyone else and he lied? Yea that happened. I am notorious for stalking people on social media. It wasn’t even him I was stalking though. I was snooping around some skanks IG page and I notice a familiar looking porch. I know the porch because I tripped on the shit numerous times. Ummm? So you aren’t entertaining anyone else but this disgusting skank is at your house? Please go lie somewhere else.

It was around the end of March that I ended things PHYSICALLY. He got a little salty about it and I’m not sure why. I guess because I blew up his game? That is most likely the case. Around this time I decided I needed to mend things with Romeo. I unblocked him and he asked me out on a proper date. It was rather nice. I didn’t expect anything to come from it. We will get to more of that later.

So, during March, April, May and part of June I had SNC sending me dick pics saying he missed me. I have to admit, he has a very pretty dick! Like, gorgeous. Model material. But after his lies, I was over it. I wasn’t turned on. I didn’t want to fuck. I still don’t want to fuck. Again, more on this later. So finally he got the hint and stopped contacting me. I shit you not guys, not even a week later he was posting this blonde girl saying she was his baby and he missed her blah blah. Fucking slap in the face with the gorgeous dick. He tells me he doesn’t want shit and he’s scared and now he’s in a relationship?… I am still at a loss for words. I can’t tell you how shitty that makes a person feel. At least when I say it, I fucking mean it. And the girl lives in Texas. So clearly he was on some type of dating/hookup app to have found this Great Value brand Barbie. I was just astonished. In those instances, y’all know I would lose my shit and tell him about himself. I didn’t. Because that is how OVER I am with shit.

Around Father’s Day I received a text from AFJF. He found some underwear he took from me and asked if I wanted them back. Dude *insert fucking eye roll* STOP reaching. That’s like asking if I want my bobby pins back. The fuck with that shit. I was very dry with him about it all and I haven’t heard from him since. To say I’m still hurt, isn’t even accurate. BROKEN is a more accurate description. He made me believe he was something to be proud of, but turned out to be the biggest disappointment I have ever endured. I know deep down it’s a good thing he hasn’t contacted me since. But there are mornings I wake up wishing to see his initials pop up in a text. We will get back to him in a bit.

I know, I know. I told you guys my mind is a cluster fuck. Sad part is I am not drinking while typing this. I hope everyone reading is though. May be the only way to understand my jumbled up shit.

So fast forward to mid July. I had been getting A LOOOTTTTT of texts from Romeo. I found it odd. He hadn’t initiated convos with me like that in a long time. I missed it. So I went along with it. He was being sweet, kind, not his usual self. One night at work, I get a text from him telling me to call him when I got off. OKAY? This had my stomach in knots, but I called him anyway. We had about an hour conversation with me stunned in silence for about three hours after we hung up. Romeo asked me to be in a committed relationship with him. WHAT THE FUCK? He told me to take all the time I needed to think about it and decide what I wanted to do. So many thoughts had run through my mind. What if we do actually do this and things end up bad? There would be no way to go back to a normal friendship like we had been having. But on the other hand, nothing about us is normal, so I have no idea why I said that. Even not friends, we are still dysfunctional as the fuck. So I thought about it. Brace yourselves…

I decided to go through with it. I told him I wanted to talk to him in person about it so we ended up meeting about a week later because both of our schedules are cock suckers.

Does anyone think that things would ever work out for me? If so, you must have not read any other posts on this blog. Romeo had acted like he never asked me to be in a relationship. He kept making jokes deflecting from the situation. At this point, I was too mentally exhausted to throw a fit or show my emotions about it. I drank my margarita, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and hauled ass. I didn’t hear from him for two weeks.

I ended up texting him because he showed up at a bar that my friend was at. I have no idea why people feel the need to tell me what he does, but whatever. He tried to be suave and shit asking me to meet him. I CALMLY lost my shit. Is that even possible? I don’t know, but I did it. I can’t remember exactly what I told him, but I know I ended it with asking him why are we still doing this after three years and telling him he is too old to be playing these games. I didn’t give him a chance to respond. I blocked him. This is what I feared if our relationship had failed. Well fuck me. We didn’t even start a relationship and our friendship already suffered from it.

I have been in an unstable emotional state lately. I’ve been thinking about my past. Not a few years ago, but like ten years ago. When I was a naive high school graduate running around with some dude who was “no good” for me. This guy and AFJF kind merge at that point. Really weird. The two people that fucked me up the most are the two people I was talking to at the same time and still have deep feelings for to this day. What in the actual fuck? HAHA I am not even sure what to call this new (to you) guy I am talking about. He deserves more than a nickname. He deserves for every one to know who he was. Yes, was. The reason he hurt me so much is that he died a few years back whenever I was with Robocop. I couldn’t grieve his death because we all know Robo’s fucked up mentality. Me and, we will call him REAL because that is what he was, Real didn’t end on good terms. We were an “item” for most of my high school years. Very few people knew because his baby mama was nuts and my mom was judgmental as the fuck. We had our ups and downs like most people. Whenever we were having a rough patch is when me and AFJF started talking for a bit. Real didn’t like this and told me to end it. So I did, and AFJF was hurt. How ironic.

We ended our relationship after he got arrested for some petty shit that didn’t involve me, but I just rather not talk about it. My 19th birthday is the last time I had contact with him. When he got out of jail, which I think he was in for a little over a year, he called me. I went see him, we slept together, I spent the night and it was great. The next night is when I met Robocop. So a few days after seeing him, Real contacted me to get together. Robo wasn’t thrilled because he “knew of him” and told me not to speak to him. So I didn’t. He called me and I cut him off and shut him out. For a fucking prick.

One day while in college I was walking to class and I heard someone call my name. I legit had no idea who it was so I kept walking like the bitch that I am. It was him. He was on a job there. The reason I know it was him is because him and Robo had a run in a little bit after that. This has stuck with me for a while what happened next. Real told Robo he loved me and he was going to be with me. This was a few months before he passed.

I know he truly loved me with everything he had. He was my protector. My best friend. The pain in my ass. The reason I am the tough person I am today. Real snuck into my high school graduation and shouted my name when it was my turn to receive my diploma. I snuck him on my senior trip and had the best trip of my life. He always made sure nothing bad would ever happen to me. He beat someone up for me. He made sure his crazy baby mama never touched me. I was his girl. Truly his. I will never be anyone’s girl ever again. I just feel it in my soul. I had pushed him so far into the back of my memories because it is so hard to realize that I will never have this again with him. Even when we were bad, we were good. I never talk about him. I pretended like I never knew him. That none of it ever happened. That he was just a figment of my imagination. It is easier that way. Well, was.

This mother fucker came to me in a dream and that’s that. I can no longer hide him from myself. I have to face the situation and deal with my emotions and my fuck up. I want to blame all these men for hurting me, but I’m only hurting myself by keeping all these emotions pent up. I am to blame for my loneliness. I can’t let go of what was because I never faced it.

I haven’t had sex since March. I’m sick of running around with men who have no fucking regard for anyone else’s feelings but theirs. I’m sure I’ll get drunk one night and fuck someone and start the whole cycle over. But it will be just that. A fuck…

I can’t even say I have a love life anymore. It is non existent. In shambles. A fiasco. I have always been a huge believer in love. I don’t know if I believe that anymore. Maybe there isn’t someone out there for everyone and if there is, they missed their chance like I did with Real.

Maybe some people were born to walk alone. Like drifters…if you don’t get that reference, you’re too young for me bro.

 

XO Vanessa

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TIME TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL

What a hell of a day it has been here in the DIRTY SOUTH. After a productive day of getting shit done, AFJF texts me. I literally have ZERO will power in this situation and it kills me. So of course I texted him back asking what the fuck he wanted. He wanted me to call him. Usually when he asks me to call him, it is to see what I am doing. Not to apologize for being a shitty ass person. Well, apparently hell froze over in the south today.

He apologized in detail for what he had done to me. I have waited so long for this. I should’ve been ecstatic. I should’ve been forgiving; but I am past that point. I broke down explaining that not even a sincere apology can fix the damage that has been done.

In my heart, it made everything worse. To hear from his own mouth the hurt he caused me, made me relive everything. He now realizes the tremendous pain he has caused me, but it’s too late. It isn’t like he wants me back or anything. I expressed to him that there will never be a friendship between us…

…and I am okay with it.

With that being said, I am throwing myself into social media as an outlet. I want women to know that it is okay to not forgive. I want them to know that they will love again. I want them to know it is okay to have casual sex. I want them to know just because they love having sex, doesn’t mean they are sluts.

I am in the process of creating a Facebook page connected with this blog. If you want to keep following my journey, just click the link I will provide below. I appreciate the love and support from you all.

https://www.facebook.com/Keeping-the-South-Dirty-1080767735344831/

XO Vanessa

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IT’S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE

So I fucking did it again. I went MIA on you guys. Definitely not my intention. I have really been having a rough few months. I thought anxiety attacks were behind me, but I guess I was wrong, and I guess AFJF had that kind of power over me for me to actually have one again.

I’m not sure where I left off with AFJF, and I am not sure I want to pick up on it. How about we just fast forward to present day so I don’t go out and walk to get another six pack of beer. Yes walk, because my battery died in my car. But I digress.

So the past few months I have been trying to stay positive and not let anything from me and AFJF’s past get to me. After numerous attempts to block him from my life, I realized I was going to have to take action. Legal action. You guessed it, I contacted G-Man. If  you have no idea who I am referring to, go back a few posts. Anywho, he told me the necessary steps I should take in order to file a harassment complaint against AFJF.

The more I thought about it, the more anxious I felt. Did I really want this poor soul to get arrested over me?

I should’ve kicked my inner self right in the vag for being soft. Today was a trying day with him. He contacted me and basically thinks it is hilarious that I keep asking him to leave me alone. He pries into my business, and acts like he did nothing wrong.

But that isn’t what makes me sick to my stomach. This is what tear-stains my pillow every night…

He has never apologized for treating me the way he did. He never apologized for telling me he would never hurt me and doing just that. He never apologized for telling me to eat a dick whenever I tried to help him through some shit. He never apologized for up and leaving with no explanation.

I know my thoughts are everywhere with this and I am truly sorry. For once in my 27 years of existence, I have nothing to say. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m lost…

…but I am taking it day by day. I know that one day I will be okay. I know that I won’t cry myself to sleep every night. I know that thoughts won’t fill my mind of where I went wrong. I know I am not to that point yet, and I have accepted it. I know I have a long road ahead of me.

I also know that there isn’t heartbreak behind every corner. I will never lose my ability to let myself go and to love hard.

XO Vanessa

okay

 

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And I Ran, I Ran So Far Away…to AFJF

So, I was totally blindsided by AFJF. I haven’t heard from him in years. So many thoughts and emotions ran through me like day old Taco Bell. I wanted to vomit and shit all at once. I decided to give in and gave his friend my number. He called me immediately and confessed his undying love for me (sure, he was either high as fuck or drunk out of his mind. Either way, I liked it.).

For a day and a half he pestered me to come see him at his family’s camp. He told me things I had been longing to hear from him for over six years. Looking back I realize it was because he was a boozing, pill head, sweet talker, but I digress.

I remember the moment when I decided to give in. I was at Walmart buying socks because I was on a fitness kick at the time and had been running a lot. The moment I picked up my 24 pack up socks I realized: life is fucking too short, I’m horny, and I haven’t seen this guy in a very long fucking time. Fuck it. I’m going.

So, I packed a bag, grabbed the tragic roommate and hit the road to wherever the fuck his camp was in the sticks.

About 15 minutes til we arrive, I got the bubble guts. Why was I so nervous? Vanessa losing her cool? That is just unheard of. I downed the rest of my red bull and hiked my big girl panties up. Figuratively speaking, because  I sure as the fuck wasn’t wearing any underwear for this occasion.

I pull up and there he is. In all his 6 foot, tatted glory. Fuck me.

In hindsight, I should’ve opened that pack of socks, laced up my tennis shoes, and ran for the fucking hills. More to come on AFJF…Lots fucking more.

XO Vanessa

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