I’M ON THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS…WITH MYSELF

Guess who contacted me not even 24 hours after I hit publish on that post. Well, clearly it wasn’t Real because he is six feet under, literally. Yes, it was AFJF. Ya’ll, I never knew I could feel so many emotions at one time– anger, sadness, disappointment, rage, frustration, hurt, confused, nauseated (which I know isn’t an emotion), reminiscent.

Why does he do this to me? Most importantly, why do I let him? Do I hate him for everything he put me through? Yes. Do I wish he would spontaneously combust? Yes. But at the same time I want things to be how they were when they were good. Sick isn’t it? I talk all this shit about moving on and fuck him blah blah, but clearly there is still something there in my heart.

And I know I need to let it go. Not bury it or try to forget it. But LET IT GO. I can’t keep living my life so angrily. I can’t keep feeling disappointment in someone who will never see that he was wrong. All that does is tear me up more inside. He will never be the person I thought he was or wanted him to be. It is so hard for me to admit that I was wrong to think he was different. I want to be that woman that is strong, independent, and not hung up on stupid men. I have two out of three going for me.

While on the phone he could tell I was angry. I don’t talk to him in a nice manner. I get aggravated at any word he says. He said he knows he fucked up and he’s sorry. Yea sure. But are you sorry for continuing to contact me and make me feel like I was nothing? Yea, didn’t get a response on that.

He told me we needed to talk in person. Am I stupid to go through with it? My answer to that is yes. But I am going to do it anyway. I have a gift for making people feel like shit when they see me cry, so I know the water works will happen when we meet. I can’t help it though. I cried on the phone because he just hurt me to the core. I don’t think I will ever be over it fully. There will always be that one piece of me that is completely fucked up, but I know I can’t keep feeling sorry for myself.

He asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him no and he asked me why not. Ummm, was I going to tell him because I can’t give my heart to anyone because of what he did? That I can’t trust anyone’s intentions because of what he did? That thinking of being with anyone else makes me physically sick? Yea, no. I told him it’s because I’m happy being alone. If he can lie to me, I have the right to lie to him. He doesn’t deserve shit from me.

I hate being this way. I hate being the jaded bitch who wants to cause bodily harm to someone. I just don’t know what to do anymore to get to a semi-normal life.

It is time for me right now to say “FUCK LOVE”. Not forever, but just until I can get my shit together. The only love I want to feel right now is for myself, and I can just feel that slipping away.

I guess AFJF contacted me for a reason. Maybe a sign from God. I don’t know. My thoughts are still all fucked up and I am about to be fucked up myself after I open this bottle of wine.

I sincerely pray that wherever AFJF is tonight, that he is feeling all fucked up inside the same way I am. I hope he has to take his Ambien to sleep at night like I do. I hope he wakes up sweating from the night terrors.

Wherever you are tonight AFJF, I hope your demons haunt the fuck out of you.

FUCK YOU, with love…

XO VanessaOK

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ALL IN MY FEELINGS

So, here we are. Friday night. 11pm. In bed alone watching Pretty Woman and listening to the swamp creatures have a party outside my fucking window. Bugs in the south are little shits. Anyway, I’m 28 and alone. All alone…and I done it to myself. The past few months have been some horrid ones. My memories and night terrors are getting the best of me. My mind is such a cluster fuck, I have no idea where to start for you guys. I guess we can start at last July and AFJF.

End of July I realized my depression was getting out of hand so I decided to take a visit to my doctor. I’ve been on meds ever since and I can tell a drastic difference. I mean, clearly I still have my shitty moments. Like right now. So that is when I decided AFJF needed to give me an explanation of WHY he turned out to be such a big disappointment. FOR REAL THIS TIME! I know he finally told me he hurt me, but why???!!

I have no idea why I ever thought he would be man enough to admit shit. So that was that…for then.

Around late August I came into contact with a guy that I curved while I was messing around with OBM. Let’s call this one Sex and Candy. SNC for short. He has that Maroon 5 vibe going on. We went out to a bar to chat and get to know each other then went back to his place. Yes, we had sex. I wouldn’t be writing this post if we hadn’t. I know I say this a lot, but the sex with this kid was ahhhmazing. Anywho, I left his place the next morning and we texted back and forth that day. The next day I hadn’t heard from him. WTF. So I was not about to be that clingy girl, and i just let it fucking go.

A week or so after that incident I decided to let Romeo back into my life. Can any of you tell me why? I am still trying to figure this out myself a fucking year later. So we go out with some friends. Mind you, HE asked ME to go out with him and another couple. So here I am thinking that it is like a double date type of thing. Cool. We get to the bar and a few drinks in I find myself sitting alone at the bar. Ummm Wherefore art thou Romeo? Rome-ho was busy chatting up the bartender and taking pics of her ass. To say I lost my shit is putting it lightly. Two years worth of frustration came out my body like a fucking exorcism. My God. I can’t tell you how embarrassed I am to this day about the incident. Anyway, we get in a huge argument and I leave. Which wasn’t an easy task because I didn’t have my car and we were about three towns away from home. Even in my drunken state I had some common sense. I decided getting in a vehicle with him would’ve resulted in a physical altercation. That is how much I hated him at that moment. So a dear friend came and got me and I blocked Rome-ho once again.

Cut to a few weeks later and I get a text from SNC. Da fuck? Where had he been? I play it off casually, but inside I was fuming. I really need to work on my temper guys. Lawd. Anyway, SNC had been offshore and didn’t have cell service. Which was odd to me since AFJF is a diver and would text me 4098390 miles under water. So I got sucked in once again into some shitty ass situationship. This time for NINE fucking months, y’all! NINE! The whole time I had to hear how he didn’t want a relationship, he was hurt from his past. The same shit I say to men. LOL. I just went with it. I realized I needed to end things because I was catching them feelings, y’all. Oh did I also mention that I asked him if he was fucking anyone else and he lied? Yea that happened. I am notorious for stalking people on social media. It wasn’t even him I was stalking though. I was snooping around some skanks IG page and I notice a familiar looking porch. I know the porch because I tripped on the shit numerous times. Ummm? So you aren’t entertaining anyone else but this disgusting skank is at your house? Please go lie somewhere else.

It was around the end of March that I ended things PHYSICALLY. He got a little salty about it and I’m not sure why. I guess because I blew up his game? That is most likely the case. Around this time I decided I needed to mend things with Romeo. I unblocked him and he asked me out on a proper date. It was rather nice. I didn’t expect anything to come from it. We will get to more of that later.

So, during March, April, May and part of June I had SNC sending me dick pics saying he missed me. I have to admit, he has a very pretty dick! Like, gorgeous. Model material. But after his lies, I was over it. I wasn’t turned on. I didn’t want to fuck. I still don’t want to fuck. Again, more on this later. So finally he got the hint and stopped contacting me. I shit you not guys, not even a week later he was posting this blonde girl saying she was his baby and he missed her blah blah. Fucking slap in the face with the gorgeous dick. He tells me he doesn’t want shit and he’s scared and now he’s in a relationship?… I am still at a loss for words. I can’t tell you how shitty that makes a person feel. At least when I say it, I fucking mean it. And the girl lives in Texas. So clearly he was on some type of dating/hookup app to have found this Great Value brand Barbie. I was just astonished. In those instances, y’all know I would lose my shit and tell him about himself. I didn’t. Because that is how OVER I am with shit.

Around Father’s Day I received a text from AFJF. He found some underwear he took from me and asked if I wanted them back. Dude *insert fucking eye roll* STOP reaching. That’s like asking if I want my bobby pins back. The fuck with that shit. I was very dry with him about it all and I haven’t heard from him since. To say I’m still hurt, isn’t even accurate. BROKEN is a more accurate description. He made me believe he was something to be proud of, but turned out to be the biggest disappointment I have ever endured. I know deep down it’s a good thing he hasn’t contacted me since. But there are mornings I wake up wishing to see his initials pop up in a text. We will get back to him in a bit.

I know, I know. I told you guys my mind is a cluster fuck. Sad part is I am not drinking while typing this. I hope everyone reading is though. May be the only way to understand my jumbled up shit.

So fast forward to mid July. I had been getting A LOOOTTTTT of texts from Romeo. I found it odd. He hadn’t initiated convos with me like that in a long time. I missed it. So I went along with it. He was being sweet, kind, not his usual self. One night at work, I get a text from him telling me to call him when I got off. OKAY? This had my stomach in knots, but I called him anyway. We had about an hour conversation with me stunned in silence for about three hours after we hung up. Romeo asked me to be in a committed relationship with him. WHAT THE FUCK? He told me to take all the time I needed to think about it and decide what I wanted to do. So many thoughts had run through my mind. What if we do actually do this and things end up bad? There would be no way to go back to a normal friendship like we had been having. But on the other hand, nothing about us is normal, so I have no idea why I said that. Even not friends, we are still dysfunctional as the fuck. So I thought about it. Brace yourselves…

I decided to go through with it. I told him I wanted to talk to him in person about it so we ended up meeting about a week later because both of our schedules are cock suckers.

Does anyone think that things would ever work out for me? If so, you must have not read any other posts on this blog. Romeo had acted like he never asked me to be in a relationship. He kept making jokes deflecting from the situation. At this point, I was too mentally exhausted to throw a fit or show my emotions about it. I drank my margarita, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and hauled ass. I didn’t hear from him for two weeks.

I ended up texting him because he showed up at a bar that my friend was at. I have no idea why people feel the need to tell me what he does, but whatever. He tried to be suave and shit asking me to meet him. I CALMLY lost my shit. Is that even possible? I don’t know, but I did it. I can’t remember exactly what I told him, but I know I ended it with asking him why are we still doing this after three years and telling him he is too old to be playing these games. I didn’t give him a chance to respond. I blocked him. This is what I feared if our relationship had failed. Well fuck me. We didn’t even start a relationship and our friendship already suffered from it.

I have been in an unstable emotional state lately. I’ve been thinking about my past. Not a few years ago, but like ten years ago. When I was a naive high school graduate running around with some dude who was “no good” for me. This guy and AFJF kind merge at that point. Really weird. The two people that fucked me up the most are the two people I was talking to at the same time and still have deep feelings for to this day. What in the actual fuck? HAHA I am not even sure what to call this new (to you) guy I am talking about. He deserves more than a nickname. He deserves for every one to know who he was. Yes, was. The reason he hurt me so much is that he died a few years back whenever I was with Robocop. I couldn’t grieve his death because we all know Robo’s fucked up mentality. Me and, we will call him REAL because that is what he was, Real didn’t end on good terms. We were an “item” for most of my high school years. Very few people knew because his baby mama was nuts and my mom was judgmental as the fuck. We had our ups and downs like most people. Whenever we were having a rough patch is when me and AFJF started talking for a bit. Real didn’t like this and told me to end it. So I did, and AFJF was hurt. How ironic.

We ended our relationship after he got arrested for some petty shit that didn’t involve me, but I just rather not talk about it. My 19th birthday is the last time I had contact with him. When he got out of jail, which I think he was in for a little over a year, he called me. I went see him, we slept together, I spent the night and it was great. The next night is when I met Robocop. So a few days after seeing him, Real contacted me to get together. Robo wasn’t thrilled because he “knew of him” and told me not to speak to him. So I didn’t. He called me and I cut him off and shut him out. For a fucking prick.

One day while in college I was walking to class and I heard someone call my name. I legit had no idea who it was so I kept walking like the bitch that I am. It was him. He was on a job there. The reason I know it was him is because him and Robo had a run in a little bit after that. This has stuck with me for a while what happened next. Real told Robo he loved me and he was going to be with me. This was a few months before he passed.

I know he truly loved me with everything he had. He was my protector. My best friend. The pain in my ass. The reason I am the tough person I am today. Real snuck into my high school graduation and shouted my name when it was my turn to receive my diploma. I snuck him on my senior trip and had the best trip of my life. He always made sure nothing bad would ever happen to me. He beat someone up for me. He made sure his crazy baby mama never touched me. I was his girl. Truly his. I will never be anyone’s girl ever again. I just feel it in my soul. I had pushed him so far into the back of my memories because it is so hard to realize that I will never have this again with him. Even when we were bad, we were good. I never talk about him. I pretended like I never knew him. That none of it ever happened. That he was just a figment of my imagination. It is easier that way. Well, was.

This mother fucker came to me in a dream and that’s that. I can no longer hide him from myself. I have to face the situation and deal with my emotions and my fuck up. I want to blame all these men for hurting me, but I’m only hurting myself by keeping all these emotions pent up. I am to blame for my loneliness. I can’t let go of what was because I never faced it.

I haven’t had sex since March. I’m sick of running around with men who have no fucking regard for anyone else’s feelings but theirs. I’m sure I’ll get drunk one night and fuck someone and start the whole cycle over. But it will be just that. A fuck…

I can’t even say I have a love life anymore. It is non existent. In shambles. A fiasco. I have always been a huge believer in love. I don’t know if I believe that anymore. Maybe there isn’t someone out there for everyone and if there is, they missed their chance like I did with Real.

Maybe some people were born to walk alone. Like drifters…if you don’t get that reference, you’re too young for me bro.

 

XO Vanessa

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TIME TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL

What a hell of a day it has been here in the DIRTY SOUTH. After a productive day of getting shit done, AFJF texts me. I literally have ZERO will power in this situation and it kills me. So of course I texted him back asking what the fuck he wanted. He wanted me to call him. Usually when he asks me to call him, it is to see what I am doing. Not to apologize for being a shitty ass person. Well, apparently hell froze over in the south today.

He apologized in detail for what he had done to me. I have waited so long for this. I should’ve been ecstatic. I should’ve been forgiving; but I am past that point. I broke down explaining that not even a sincere apology can fix the damage that has been done.

In my heart, it made everything worse. To hear from his own mouth the hurt he caused me, made me relive everything. He now realizes the tremendous pain he has caused me, but it’s too late. It isn’t like he wants me back or anything. I expressed to him that there will never be a friendship between us…

…and I am okay with it.

With that being said, I am throwing myself into social media as an outlet. I want women to know that it is okay to not forgive. I want them to know that they will love again. I want them to know it is okay to have casual sex. I want them to know just because they love having sex, doesn’t mean they are sluts.

I am in the process of creating a Facebook page connected with this blog. If you want to keep following my journey, just click the link I will provide below. I appreciate the love and support from you all.

https://www.facebook.com/Keeping-the-South-Dirty-1080767735344831/

XO Vanessa

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IT’S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE

So I fucking did it again. I went MIA on you guys. Definitely not my intention. I have really been having a rough few months. I thought anxiety attacks were behind me, but I guess I was wrong, and I guess AFJF had that kind of power over me for me to actually have one again.

I’m not sure where I left off with AFJF, and I am not sure I want to pick up on it. How about we just fast forward to present day so I don’t go out and walk to get another six pack of beer. Yes walk, because my battery died in my car. But I digress.

So the past few months I have been trying to stay positive and not let anything from me and AFJF’s past get to me. After numerous attempts to block him from my life, I realized I was going to have to take action. Legal action. You guessed it, I contacted G-Man. If  you have no idea who I am referring to, go back a few posts. Anywho, he told me the necessary steps I should take in order to file a harassment complaint against AFJF.

The more I thought about it, the more anxious I felt. Did I really want this poor soul to get arrested over me?

I should’ve kicked my inner self right in the vag for being soft. Today was a trying day with him. He contacted me and basically thinks it is hilarious that I keep asking him to leave me alone. He pries into my business, and acts like he did nothing wrong.

But that isn’t what makes me sick to my stomach. This is what tear-stains my pillow every night…

He has never apologized for treating me the way he did. He never apologized for telling me he would never hurt me and doing just that. He never apologized for telling me to eat a dick whenever I tried to help him through some shit. He never apologized for up and leaving with no explanation.

I know my thoughts are everywhere with this and I am truly sorry. For once in my 27 years of existence, I have nothing to say. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m lost…

…but I am taking it day by day. I know that one day I will be okay. I know that I won’t cry myself to sleep every night. I know that thoughts won’t fill my mind of where I went wrong. I know I am not to that point yet, and I have accepted it. I know I have a long road ahead of me.

I also know that there isn’t heartbreak behind every corner. I will never lose my ability to let myself go and to love hard.

XO Vanessa

okay

 

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And I Ran, I Ran So Far Away…to AFJF

So, I was totally blindsided by AFJF. I haven’t heard from him in years. So many thoughts and emotions ran through me like day old Taco Bell. I wanted to vomit and shit all at once. I decided to give in and gave his friend my number. He called me immediately and confessed his undying love for me (sure, he was either high as fuck or drunk out of his mind. Either way, I liked it.).

For a day and a half he pestered me to come see him at his family’s camp. He told me things I had been longing to hear from him for over six years. Looking back I realize it was because he was a boozing, pill head, sweet talker, but I digress.

I remember the moment when I decided to give in. I was at Walmart buying socks because I was on a fitness kick at the time and had been running a lot. The moment I picked up my 24 pack up socks I realized: life is fucking too short, I’m horny, and I haven’t seen this guy in a very long fucking time. Fuck it. I’m going.

So, I packed a bag, grabbed the tragic roommate and hit the road to wherever the fuck his camp was in the sticks.

About 15 minutes til we arrive, I got the bubble guts. Why was I so nervous? Vanessa losing her cool? That is just unheard of. I downed the rest of my red bull and hiked my big girl panties up. Figuratively speaking, because  I sure as the fuck wasn’t wearing any underwear for this occasion.

I pull up and there he is. In all his 6 foot, tatted glory. Fuck me.

In hindsight, I should’ve opened that pack of socks, laced up my tennis shoes, and ran for the fucking hills. More to come on AFJF…Lots fucking more.

XO Vanessa

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Platonic, Non exclusive

So after a year of seeing someone, that title is the line he gave me tonight as to where he sees our future going. Should I have asked what he wanted? Probably not. But I knew it was coming. I knew he didn’t want what I wanted. Deep down I wanted to believe that having someone on my mind for the past eight years and is finding our way back to each other actually meant something.

Senior year in high school I was quite the scandalous gal. I craved attention from all my sister’s guys friends and I got it. One guy was different though. At that time, he was…genuine. 

I’m not even sure what name I want to give him. Assfuck jerkface seems fitting for the moment. So AFJF it is. 
Anywho, me and AFJF started a little relationship when I was 17 and he was umm maybe 26? Nothing serious. Just phone calls and texts exchanged. Saw each other a few times. No sex. Just kissing. Marvelous, sensual, deep, passionate kissing. Sigh. 

Well, I graduated. He met his now ex wife and I met Robocop. Blah blah blah, you know the in between with the other losers, fast forward to May 2015. 

I was just getting off work, going home to lock myself in my room because my then roommate was a horrid skank. She texted me asking me what I was doing. I blew her off. She said some guys wanted us to go hang out for a divorce party. Some guy named, umm i have no idea honestly, and AFJF. Instant fucking heart drop…

XO Vanessa

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TOO LITTLE SEX AND TOO MUCH CITY

So as I am laying in bed drinking Budweiser, eating cheese puffs, and watching reruns of Sex and the City, I realized I haven’t blogged in way too long. So much has happened lately, I have no idea where to start.

Let’s start with GTL. I think he was the last guy I told ya’ll about.

So I met GTL in October and i dropped my buffet of men for him. He was fit, sweet, and seemed to have his shit together…except he was ready for a full on relationship. Story of my life.

Things got pretty serious for a while. I would trek an hour to his place almost every other night to sleep over. He would take me out, pay for everything, even paid for my gas. So all this was going on since October. Of course, me being the woman I am, I wanted more and he still didn’t. January 13 I told him I was going to let him do his thing and if he ever wanted something, to look me up. He told me that he really cares for me blah blah. Whatever. A week later he was posting pictures with some horse face looking twat, so that was that. DONE.

But I realized, I didn’t really care.

You see, that same week I had a tonsillectomy so I was confined to my parents house with just the TV and my phone. During that time a guy I would have never expected got me catching feelings for him.

I have known him for a while because he works with my brother-in-law. He was always that guy that irritated me with his lame and rude jokes. That week we started texting non stop. I got to know him on a more personal level and realized that his jokes were a defense mechanism. He has a crazy ex, like me. So we understand each other.

Last week he finally asked me out. It wasn’t a date really. More like a fun adventure. We went eat and went people watch at Wal-Mart. HA! He came over after and fixed a few things around my house for me so I guess we will call him Mr. Fix It. That was when it hit me that I really care for him. Usually I would be sexy and flirt and send sexual texts, but something is different with him and I can sense that he has caught feelings too because he has slacked off on the messaging. What used to be a 12 hour thing, is now maybe 5 messages a day. And I am not going to push him. We all know how far that gets me.

So that is where I am now. Falling for someone…again. I’m not scared to fall anymore. I realize I can pick myself up and be fine. Being with a man isn’t everything in life.

What is really eating at me is I haven’t had sex in over a month. I refuse to have sex with someone that doesn’t have the same feelings I do, so I am guessing it will be a good long while before I get some.

Romeo is still out the picture. He asked me on a date this past Saturday but didn’t answer my calls a few days before said date, so I am guessing that was his way of bailing. What a vagina.

I’m sure this whole post doesn’t make sense and has a lot of grammatical errors, but I’m a tad tipsy and no fucks are given. 🙂

I promise to not go MIA again!!!!

XO Vanessa

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