I have been pretty MIA and I am not really sure why. This is a great outlet for me to vent considering I haven’t seen my therapist in 9 months. Yep! I started seeing a therapist. After my last post I was very suicidal and destructive. I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. Things were going great with that for a while quite honestly. I got a new job in September so that had put a halt on my sessions. It’s really hard not to go back to that dark place whenever Im just so unhappy. Tonight isn’t a good night for me so I decided to open up the old MacBook Pro and see what could come of this.
Let’s backtrack to November so you can understand why I am where I am now.
So mid November a guy that I knew messaged me on Facebook. This was a guy I actually didn’t like because whenever I was with Robocop, he was being shady and trying to get with me. It was just disrespectful. I liked the attention though. Cannot lie about that. Anyway, he asked if he could take me to dinner soon. I was like wow. Someone is asking me on an actual DATE? I haven’t been on a date since December 2018! I was ecstatic. I agreed with a quickness. I gave him my number so we could discuss further. So again, this guy has been telling me for over 10 years I was his dream girl, blah blah. It was the night of Thanksgiving and we still hadn’t gone on an official date, but ended up at the bar together. I ended up giving him amazing head because I cannot contain myself when it comes to that. Literally the next day he is messaging other females. LAWD. Here we go. So we discussed how that made me felt, and that if he wanted to me with me and work on this, he had to stop his shady ways. Well for a good two weeks, he was at my house. Slept over every night. A week or so before Christmas he started acting shady again. He was tagging random females in his Facebook posts, not talking to me at all throughout the day, not coming over. So I told him to come get his shit and leave and that I am not dealing with that. So that is what he did. A few weeks go by and he tells me that he never deserved me and that I was too good for him. At this point sir, you are correct. There were more things that happened in this situation, but just know he was toxic and I didn’t deserve that nonsense.
Let’s backtrack again to October. So I had tinder at this point and this guy who we will call TaDOW—Tall Drink of Water–HAHA. The man is like 6’2. Anyway, TaDOW would randomly send dick pics on snapchat…unwarranted! I repeatedly asked him to stop and he finally did. Something in my should just kept me from blocking him. I swear, from October until March, he would snap me every day asking for selfies and asking to date. He was obviously being a smarts but it worked for him. SOOOO, in March I finally gave him my number. I was drunk so I could blame it on that if we didn’t converse well. We hit it off great so again, my little hopes got up. SO PERKY. We talked from March 14th until beginning of May without meeting. It was such a non pressure situation. Until he came home this past Thursday and wanted me to come over. My heart sank into my ass. Now I have to be me. There is no escaping the awkwardness that is Vanessa when she meets someone she likes. It is fucking embarrassing. I left work, came home to bathe and shave my legs. Didn’t have to worry about shaving my kitty because I had literally just started my period that morning. So penetration was happening that night. So I start my 1 hour and 20 minute trek to his house. NERVOUS AS FUCK. What if he doesn’t like me? What if I am too fat for him? What if my breath is horrid? What if I’m to ghetto for him? I pull into his neighborhood and immediately feel even worse. THIS IS A CLASSY ASS HOOD! My Camry didn’t belong. So I finally make it into his driveway and he tells me he is coming. He had to get dressed because he just got out the shower. Umm sir? You had over an hour to do this, but okay. He walks out and my heart stops. This man is fucking beautiful. No picture could’ve ever prepared me for what was standing in front of me. I just sat there mesmerized and he gave me a look like “are you coming or not?”. I had him help me with my overnight bag, because I am psychotic and pack for 3 nights when I’m only spending one night. Walk into his house and I just feel, not like myself. I felt self conscious. I felt not good enough. I felt like I needed to go home to my little house and get under the covers and cry. I don’t know if he could sense that, but he asked if I wanted a beer and I nearly yanked his hand off to get it.
After watching a rather boring movie and a few great kisses later, we made our way to his room. There, I took my clothes off that I had on and slipped into some undies and a t shirt to get comfortable. He likes my ass so I made to sure to bring underwear that accentuated that. I start rubbing his back for him because he previously worked 31 days in a row offshore. He deserved it. He appreciated it. We laid for a bit then I moved my hand to his dick. My vagina might not work, but my mouth does. So I started going down on him. I have a sense that he likes to be the dominate in bed and that is fine sometimes. I can roll with it. When he kept forcing my head down to lick his taint, I did because that is actually one of my favorite things to do. He has a nice size package. No complaints in that department really. And he keeps is shaved. AMEN. So he ends up coming, and naturally I swallow it. I go brush my teeth because I know some men can be weird about kissing a woman after that. No lie, after all that went down, it was like a shift.
He faced the end of the bed, so I just rubbed his back. He fell asleep that way. Now, in all our texts while he was working he stated how bad he wants to sleep next to me and cuddle. There was ZERO cuddling that night. And I didn’t sleep. A WINK. Every negative thought went through my head. Does he not like what he sees? Am I ugly? Is he just too tired? This is only his second night in his bed after 31 days. Am I too fat? This went on until four am. I managed to get an hour or so of sleep. I finally woke up and there he was. Still on the other side of the bed. I wanted to be in his nook where I was at night for like five seconds while watching a movie. We had meshed so perfectly. So I went to curl up next to him but he had made what seemed like a fortress with the blanket. ALRIGHT THEN. He finally wakes up and just puts his arm across my chest. So naturally I started scratching it with my nails. That is just engrained in me at this point in my life. See a free arm, scratch it. Anyway, he then grabs me and starts spooning for like 2 minutes. He then tells me he has to go get his son. I didn’t plan on staying there that long because I had to come home to let my dog out, but damn. Was he kicking me out? I literally got ready in 2 minutes. That includes brushing my teeth and braiding my hair.
So I get all my stuff together and he is still in bed. Im waiting for him to walk me out but he isn’t moving. So I got the hint. I asked I’m if I could see him again before he goes back to work and he said definitely. Okay?! Did he fucking mean that?? The signals here were so crossed me for I know my face had to look fucked up. So I let myself out…which saddened me. He didn’t thank me for coming, he didn’t thank me for driving over an hour to see him, he didn’t even talk me to the door. He gave me a half ass hug from the bed and a kiss. I got in my old car and left. The whole drive home I was quiet. So many bullshit thoughts in my head.
Looking at my phone hoping for a text. Nothing. I finally get him and let him know I made it. Still nothing. I decided to take a nap since I didn’t get any sleep. I slept from 10am until 4pm. Still nothing. I chalked it up to him being with his son. I can be understanding! So the next day I still hadn’t heard from him. I decided to just tell him to have a great day. He responded and it was a short conversation. Didn’t help my nerves on the situation at all. Today I talked to him briefly. So this is where I am. A MESS. A disgusting mess.
All I can think of, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I find someone that likes me? Why am I not good enough? If he isn’t in to me he needs to tell me and not just ignore me or make me feel like an ass. I did express that to him in the beginning of all this. I will respect the fuck out of someone for being honest!
But today I sent him a pic and told him I don’t always look raggedy (which I did look a little rough meeting him) and that I probably didn’t make a great first impression because I was nervous because I liked him a lot. His response was “you’re cute”.
That wasn’t what I was looking for. At this point, I can’t say I don’t know what I am looking for because I do.
I want someone that believes in love as hard as I do. I want someone that wants to be romantic with me and never stop. I want someone to look at me every day and realize what they have. I want to be able to trust my man when we aren’t together. I want to feel wanted. I want someone to randomly surprise me with flowers or candy just because.
I never had those things. I truly believe they do exist. Romance isn’t dead. Love isn’t dead. Maybe just my effort into finding these things has died. I don’t want to settle, but I also don’t want to be alone. The older I get, the more I realize I want someone in my life. I look at my family and realize how happy they all are, and I’m just the fifth wheel. It’s tough to be single when you are 30+.
I will never force a relationship, but FUCK!!! I am so sick of being let down and heart broken. I don’t go out looking for these people. They find me. They wear me down until I finally fall, and we all know I fucking fall hard, then just leave me hanging.
So right now, I have no idea what is going on with me and this guy. The more I think about him the more I like him. He is good on paper. Tall, in shape, great job, an older son, no baby mama drama, a nice house, crazy FUNNY, easy going, laughs at my corny jokes, would always tell me I am beautiful. But I haven’t gotten any of that since we met. Am I looking to much into this? Is he truly spending all that time with his son he can’t pick up the phone to tell me he is thinking of me? Is he not wanting selfies (that he constantly asked for) because he doesn’t have time to ask? My answer to all of these is NO and it is heartbreaking. I haven’t lashed out on him because he doesn’t deserve that, but I am literally over here pulling my hair out. WHAT ARE WE DOING?! I don’t have time for these games.
I have wasted so much of my time on men, I don’t want to do it anymore. I CAN’T do it anymore. I am mentally, physically, emotionally drained. If this doesn’t work out I vow that I am not dating or entertaining a man until the year 2021.
I am going to give this guy a little more time before I decided to right him off, but I just know in my heart that he has probably already done that.