TIME TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL

What a hell of a day it has been here in the DIRTY SOUTH. After a productive day of getting shit done, AFJF texts me. I literally have ZERO will power in this situation and it kills me. So of course I texted him back asking what the fuck he wanted. He wanted me to call him. Usually when he asks me to call him, it is to see what I am doing. Not to apologize for being a shitty ass person. Well, apparently hell froze over in the south today.

He apologized in detail for what he had done to me. I have waited so long for this. I should’ve been ecstatic. I should’ve been forgiving; but I am past that point. I broke down explaining that not even a sincere apology can fix the damage that has been done.

In my heart, it made everything worse. To hear from his own mouth the hurt he caused me, made me relive everything. He now realizes the tremendous pain he has caused me, but it’s too late. It isn’t like he wants me back or anything. I expressed to him that there will never be a friendship between us…

…and I am okay with it.

With that being said, I am throwing myself into social media as an outlet. I want women to know that it is okay to not forgive. I want them to know that they will love again. I want them to know it is okay to have casual sex. I want them to know just because they love having sex, doesn’t mean they are sluts.

I am in the process of creating a Facebook page connected with this blog. If you want to keep following my journey, just click the link I will provide below. I appreciate the love and support from you all.

https://www.facebook.com/Keeping-the-South-Dirty-1080767735344831/

XO Vanessa

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IT’S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE

So I fucking did it again. I went MIA on you guys. Definitely not my intention. I have really been having a rough few months. I thought anxiety attacks were behind me, but I guess I was wrong, and I guess AFJF had that kind of power over me for me to actually have one again.

I’m not sure where I left off with AFJF, and I am not sure I want to pick up on it. How about we just fast forward to present day so I don’t go out and walk to get another six pack of beer. Yes walk, because my battery died in my car. But I digress.

So the past few months I have been trying to stay positive and not let anything from me and AFJF’s past get to me. After numerous attempts to block him from my life, I realized I was going to have to take action. Legal action. You guessed it, I contacted G-Man. If  you have no idea who I am referring to, go back a few posts. Anywho, he told me the necessary steps I should take in order to file a harassment complaint against AFJF.

The more I thought about it, the more anxious I felt. Did I really want this poor soul to get arrested over me?

I should’ve kicked my inner self right in the vag for being soft. Today was a trying day with him. He contacted me and basically thinks it is hilarious that I keep asking him to leave me alone. He pries into my business, and acts like he did nothing wrong.

But that isn’t what makes me sick to my stomach. This is what tear-stains my pillow every night…

He has never apologized for treating me the way he did. He never apologized for telling me he would never hurt me and doing just that. He never apologized for telling me to eat a dick whenever I tried to help him through some shit. He never apologized for up and leaving with no explanation.

I know my thoughts are everywhere with this and I am truly sorry. For once in my 27 years of existence, I have nothing to say. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m lost…

…but I am taking it day by day. I know that one day I will be okay. I know that I won’t cry myself to sleep every night. I know that thoughts won’t fill my mind of where I went wrong. I know I am not to that point yet, and I have accepted it. I know I have a long road ahead of me.

I also know that there isn’t heartbreak behind every corner. I will never lose my ability to let myself go and to love hard.

XO Vanessa

okay

 

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And I Ran, I Ran So Far Away…to AFJF

So, I was totally blindsided by AFJF. I haven’t heard from him in years. So many thoughts and emotions ran through me like day old Taco Bell. I wanted to vomit and shit all at once. I decided to give in and gave his friend my number. He called me immediately and confessed his undying love for me (sure, he was either high as fuck or drunk out of his mind. Either way, I liked it.).

For a day and a half he pestered me to come see him at his family’s camp. He told me things I had been longing to hear from him for over six years. Looking back I realize it was because he was a boozing, pill head, sweet talker, but I digress.

I remember the moment when I decided to give in. I was at Walmart buying socks because I was on a fitness kick at the time and had been running a lot. The moment I picked up my 24 pack up socks I realized: life is fucking too short, I’m horny, and I haven’t seen this guy in a very long fucking time. Fuck it. I’m going.

So, I packed a bag, grabbed the tragic roommate and hit the road to wherever the fuck his camp was in the sticks.

About 15 minutes til we arrive, I got the bubble guts. Why was I so nervous? Vanessa losing her cool? That is just unheard of. I downed the rest of my red bull and hiked my big girl panties up. Figuratively speaking, because  I sure as the fuck wasn’t wearing any underwear for this occasion.

I pull up and there he is. In all his 6 foot, tatted glory. Fuck me.

In hindsight, I should’ve opened that pack of socks, laced up my tennis shoes, and ran for the fucking hills. More to come on AFJF…Lots fucking more.

XO Vanessa

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Platonic, Non exclusive

So after a year of seeing someone, that title is the line he gave me tonight as to where he sees our future going. Should I have asked what he wanted? Probably not. But I knew it was coming. I knew he didn’t want what I wanted. Deep down I wanted to believe that having someone on my mind for the past eight years and is finding our way back to each other actually meant something.

Senior year in high school I was quite the scandalous gal. I craved attention from all my sister’s guys friends and I got it. One guy was different though. At that time, he was…genuine. 

I’m not even sure what name I want to give him. Assfuck jerkface seems fitting for the moment. So AFJF it is. 
Anywho, me and AFJF started a little relationship when I was 17 and he was umm maybe 26? Nothing serious. Just phone calls and texts exchanged. Saw each other a few times. No sex. Just kissing. Marvelous, sensual, deep, passionate kissing. Sigh. 

Well, I graduated. He met his now ex wife and I met Robocop. Blah blah blah, you know the in between with the other losers, fast forward to May 2015. 

I was just getting off work, going home to lock myself in my room because my then roommate was a horrid skank. She texted me asking me what I was doing. I blew her off. She said some guys wanted us to go hang out for a divorce party. Some guy named, umm i have no idea honestly, and AFJF. Instant fucking heart drop…

XO Vanessa

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TOO LITTLE SEX AND TOO MUCH CITY

So as I am laying in bed drinking Budweiser, eating cheese puffs, and watching reruns of Sex and the City, I realized I haven’t blogged in way too long. So much has happened lately, I have no idea where to start.

Let’s start with GTL. I think he was the last guy I told ya’ll about.

So I met GTL in October and i dropped my buffet of men for him. He was fit, sweet, and seemed to have his shit together…except he was ready for a full on relationship. Story of my life.

Things got pretty serious for a while. I would trek an hour to his place almost every other night to sleep over. He would take me out, pay for everything, even paid for my gas. So all this was going on since October. Of course, me being the woman I am, I wanted more and he still didn’t. January 13 I told him I was going to let him do his thing and if he ever wanted something, to look me up. He told me that he really cares for me blah blah. Whatever. A week later he was posting pictures with some horse face looking twat, so that was that. DONE.

But I realized, I didn’t really care.

You see, that same week I had a tonsillectomy so I was confined to my parents house with just the TV and my phone. During that time a guy I would have never expected got me catching feelings for him.

I have known him for a while because he works with my brother-in-law. He was always that guy that irritated me with his lame and rude jokes. That week we started texting non stop. I got to know him on a more personal level and realized that his jokes were a defense mechanism. He has a crazy ex, like me. So we understand each other.

Last week he finally asked me out. It wasn’t a date really. More like a fun adventure. We went eat and went people watch at Wal-Mart. HA! He came over after and fixed a few things around my house for me so I guess we will call him Mr. Fix It. That was when it hit me that I really care for him. Usually I would be sexy and flirt and send sexual texts, but something is different with him and I can sense that he has caught feelings too because he has slacked off on the messaging. What used to be a 12 hour thing, is now maybe 5 messages a day. And I am not going to push him. We all know how far that gets me.

So that is where I am now. Falling for someone…again. I’m not scared to fall anymore. I realize I can pick myself up and be fine. Being with a man isn’t everything in life.

What is really eating at me is I haven’t had sex in over a month. I refuse to have sex with someone that doesn’t have the same feelings I do, so I am guessing it will be a good long while before I get some.

Romeo is still out the picture. He asked me on a date this past Saturday but didn’t answer my calls a few days before said date, so I am guessing that was his way of bailing. What a vagina.

I’m sure this whole post doesn’t make sense and has a lot of grammatical errors, but I’m a tad tipsy and no fucks are given. 🙂

I promise to not go MIA again!!!!

XO Vanessa

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VANESSA IS BACK

Oh my God. Where have I been?! I totally been MIA! Just to catch you all up to speed, I got Tinder back. Romeo invited me to a Halloween party two weekends ago, and I got punched in the face by a guy.

So first things first. Romeo invited me to his brother’s annual Halloween bash. It was nice. I slept at Romeo’s and I refused to have sex. FUCK HIM. I am just over his shenanigans. I am sick of wasting my time on him. OH the best thing, this past Thursday I see him whenever I am out with my dad. He is talking to my dad and what not. When he walks away I told my dad that he is the guy that bailed on me for the 38 Special concert that next night. My dad asked if we were dating, blah blah blah. Romeo messages me everyday but I keep my distance. I don’t feel like being hurt anymore.

I got my Tinder back and started talking to this fine ass specimen that we will call GTL. He reminds me of a guido from Jersey Shore, except he isn’t a douche canoe. He is meeting me tomorrow night here in town for dinner and drinks. I will keep you updated on that.

Saturday night I went out and a guy punched me in my face. Isn’t that lovely. So much for southern gentlemen here in the south hahhahahaha. I have a nice sore jaw.

OH!!!! and the greatest news of all! I put a deposit on a house to rent! Holla at ya girl! I finally got my own place! I call it the Pussy Palace!

Hopefully I can christen it soon.

XO Vanessa

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ROMEO IS A CUNT

I realized I have been totally MIA… and I have A LOT to tell.

The last Friday in September I went out with my girls. I asked Romeo if he wanted to come and he said he didn’t know what he was doing that night but he’d get back to me. Blah blah. So I got all cute and went out.

A while or so had passed since I was at the bar and I look at the door and Romeo is walking in behind some nasty ass looking skank. I about died because everyone in the damn bar turned to look at me.

I guess he knew he was wrong because immediately he came up to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and just stood by my side. I didn’t even talk to him. I was so upset. My girls could see so we decided to go to another bar. I got up out the chair, looked at Romeo, gave him a hug, a kiss on the cheek and said bye. He asked where I was going.

I looked back and said “Don’t worry about me” and winked. It was amazing. I was hurt, but it was an amazing moment for Vanessa. I got completely fucked up that night and went home alone.

Eesh.

I hadn’t talked to Romeo the rest of the weekend or Monday. Tuesday he texted me asking how my day was. I wanted to unleash my bitchiness at him, but I didn’t I played it cool. I was a little cold toward him but he deserved it.

We talk every now and then but I REFUSE to keep playing these dumb ass games.

That weekend I ended up going home with my office’s insurance guy. We will call him 401k. Was it Romeo? No, and it was nice to have a meaningless one night stand.

Or so I thought.

401K has been blowing up my phone since. STAHP!!! I think he finally got the hint because I haven’t heard from him since Thursday afternoon.

G man is out of the picture. So he is a non factor.

I am letting Romeo simmer right now. FUCK HIM.

XO Vanessa

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